Before I die
by pamy
Summary: She had years to accept her fate. But when the Holdens move to the bay and she meets Luke, new emotions start to rise. And she realises she really isn't ready to die. Luke and Mattie fic. Please review
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Before I die

She closed her eyes. She was tired. So tired. She wished she could fall asleep. But she couldn't. Everytime she tried she would hear a random noice and wake up again. This always happened when she was extremely tired. She couldn't fall asleep. She was to tired for that. She turned around facing the clock. Three in the morning.

Slowely she closed the door of the fridge. She picked up the glass and walked back to her room. She put on the light and closed the door so noone would hear her. She sat down and picked up her favourite book. The book was practicly falling appart. That's how many times she had read it. She stared to read.

Slowely she turned the page around. She stared at the words on the page. She couldn't take their meaning in. She was to tired. Maybe she should try to sleep again. Slowely she closed the book. Staring at the title her mind drifted off. She remembered when she got the book. Her brother gave it to her. Henry.

Tears appeared in her eyes. Slowely she shook her head. No no more tears. She had cried so much over the years. She didn't want to cry, she wanted to live. She looked at the title again. She had no idea why Henry gave her the book. _A little princesse. _She closed her eyes.

She opened them again remembering the list. If she couldn't sleep she might as well stare at that.

She stared at the list. There were so many happy memories attached to it. The hours they had spend making the list. Imagening what it would be like to do the things they wrote down. They had decided to make the list when they were twelf. Fifty things to do before we turn thirty. But it changed in less then a second.

She stared at the list. Henry never got to do more then five things on the list. She smiled. They had always thought she'd be the first to go. She was bound to lose her battle. Yet it was Henry that went first. Ironic. She looked at the list. She knew she wouldn't be able to do any of them. She would never get to thirty.

She stared to think. What were the things she wanted to do the most? That she didn't have all the time in the world, didn't mean she couldn't try. She closed her eyes. Think. Take a gonddola ride in Venice. See Paris from the top of the eiffel tower. She had always wanted to see Paris. Spend time with my family. That was verry important. Learn to ballroom dance properly. Read as many books as possible. Not that difficult. Swim with Dolphins. Dolphins were so cute. Be in two places at once.

Befriend somebody I don't like. Take an African safari. That was very unlikely. She didn't have the time. She didn't have the time or energy to do any of these things. Go abseiling. Learn to drive. Maybe her mum could teach her. She had the energy for that at least. The main reason for not having the energy was that she was very tired. And she had nothing left to live for. If she would have something it would be easier. She had her family, but it wasn't enough. Not anymore.

Go up in a hot-air balloon. Go scuba diving. It was a beautiful under the sea. She wanted to see it. Let go of all grudges. She had to do that. Not that she had a lot of grudges. Dance in the rain. This was something she had always wanted to do. But she couldn't do it. She got sick to easily. It would make things worse. And she didn't want to steal away the little time she had left. Sleep under the stars. She wanted to see all of the stars. It wasn't that easy.

Slowely she wrote everything down. Putting it in the order she wanted to do. Fall in love. That was very important. Everyone wants to fall in love. Most people have a lot of time to find someone. She didn't have that. She wanted to fall in love. She really wanted to. But she had no luck. She stopped writing. Slowely she wrote something at the top of the list.

Suddenly she got overwhelmed by a bad feeling. Closing her eyes she tried to make it go away. When she opened them again she realised that it got worse. The entier room was turning around. Verry fast. She drobbed the list on the floor and lied down on her bed. Everything was still turning around. Closing her eyes she tried to block the feeling away. Slowely she fell asleep. Remembering the last thing she wrote down.

Before I die...


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The girl next door

She moved around in her bed. In the far distance she could hear someone call out her name. Slowely she started to realise that it was her brother. She opened her eyes and looked around. The paper and the pen were still lying on the floor were she drobbed them. She was lying on the bed, with no blanket on her, shivering. She sat up. At least the room wasn't turning anymore.

Robbie closed the door of the fridge and put the milk on the table. His mum had left to work not thirty minutes ago. He turned around. Mattie wasn't up yet. He screamed out her name again. It wasn't that he wanted to wake her up, he knew she needed to rest. But everytime she didn't answer he got worried. He was so afraid to lose her without saying goodbye. Without having the time. He sighed in relief when he heard the door open. He was just making himself crazy.

Lucas threw his bag in the car. He was angry. He loved living here. All his friends were here. He didn't want to move away from here. But he had to. His dad wasn't listening to him. He couldn't believe it. Summer Bay. It was a little town, at least it had to be one. He couldn't even find it on the map. Though he couldn't find anything on a map. But still. There was nothing for him there.

Jack looked at Lucas. He had not said a word the entier trip. Jack could understand that he was mad. After all everyone he had once known lived in that town. But still a new start good be something good. It would definitly be for him. This was all his fault, he was the one who got transfered. He didn't see why Lucas was mad at his dad and not at him. He looked out the mirror just in time to see the _welcome to summer bay _sign. This was there new home.

Matilda looked in the mirror. She was wearing Make-up, she had taken a shower. She had done everything in her power not to look so tired. So she wouldn't worry her brother. Her mother. Her friends, who still knew nothing. She didn't want to tell them. She didn't wanted anyone to treat her differently. She sighed. Time to face the big bad world.

Robbie looked up. His little sister was smilin at him. Everytime he saw her he felt worse. Why would it be that a nice young girl like Matilda, who had her entier life to live, was going to die. And other people who had lived their lifes would live longer. How was it possible that he would lose two siblings in less then three years. A part of him still wished that Matilda wouldn't die. He smiled. It's true what they say. The last thing you lose is hope.

Tony parked the car outside the house. Lucas jumped out of it as soon as the car stopped. He didn't want to like Summer Bay. But even he had to admit, it was pretty cool to live near the ocean. But he knew nobody here. All his friends were over there. How could he possibly like this town? He opened the drunk of the car and took out his bag. Looking up he saw somebody get out of the neigbour house.

He froze up. It was a girl. The pretiest girl he had ever seen. He smiled. He could feel his hearth beating a lot harder then it was supposed to. She was beautiful. He heart his brother say something from very far away. But the words were not getting trough to him.

Matilda walked out of the house. She smiled. At least Robbie wasn't so protective that he didn't let her go alone. She needed fresh air. She wanted to walk. She saw a car parked at the neighbours door. She sighed. Great. More new people. She stopped when she saw the guy. Cute guy. Her hearth jumped up. Unbelievable.

Jack saw his little brother just standing there. What was going on now? 'Hey little brother.' No answer. Ok this was weird. 'Yoohooo! Earth calling Luke. Are you there Luke?' 'What sorry.' 'What were you looking at?' Lucas eyes flew back to the other house. 'Nothing.' But Jack looked to and that's when he saw the girl. 'Cute. You got good taste little brother. Wanne go talk to her?' 'What?! No. No. Jack don't you dare.' Jack laughed. 'Relax little brother. Maybe you'll like summer bay after all.' Lucas said nothing and walked to the house. Yeah maybe he would like summer bay.

Matilda stood on the beach. She looked at the ocean. She sighed. She still couldn't believe that she had new neighbours. Just what she needed. A hot guy to move in next door and make her regret all the things she was going to miss. Maybe he would be a good friend. Maybe he could help her live for the last months of her life. She sighed. But how do you tell somebody you have not even met that you are going to die?

Lucas walked trought the house opening every box on his way. He had been sure he packed it. He couldn't have forgotten it could he have? 'You looking for this little brother?' He turned around. His brother was holding his diary. 'Yeah thanks.' 'You know you do realise that keeping a diary is for girls right?' 'Shut up.' 'Just saying there something you wanne confess?' Luke looked at him in disbelief. 'What? No...No...' 'Relax little brother I'm just messing with your head.' Jack smiled at him. Luke smiled to.

Luke took the diary and started to walk to his room. 'So you going to write about her?' 'Who?' Luke turned around. 'You know the girl next door?' 'Shut up.' Jack laughed. 'I'll take that as a yes.' Tony walked into the house. 'What?' 'Nothing dad. Nothing.'

Luke sat down on his bed. Thinking about the girl next door. He would have to meet her eventually. Jack was right. Maybe he would like Summer Bay after all. Jack looked at his little brother. He was glad Luke finally found somebody he liked. He smiled. As long as his little brother was happy he'd be happy to.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: give her time

Matilda looked at the ocean. She was thinking. The boy next door was cute, but she could never go out with him. It wouldn't be fair. She didn't have the time. It wouldn't be fair to drag somebody into her life. Not now. It was to late for anything now. She turned around when she heard somebody call out her name. In the distance she could see her best friends Ric and Cassie come closer.

She sighed. She wondered if they knew how lucky they were. They had each other. They had a life. Tears welt up in her eyes. She didn't want to cry. Crying wouldn't bring Henry back. Crying wouldn't give her life. Crying wouldn't do anyting for her. She smiled at them. THey didn't know. There was no reason for them to know. Not yet anyway.

Lucas put the last of his stuf away. He had spend the last couple of hours unpacking. In his room. Mainly to avoid his big brother, who had been teasing him all morning long. He sighed. He couldn't get the girl out of his head. She was beautiful. He had never had a girlfriend. He had never liked anybody enough to have a girlfriend. But she was beautiful. Maybe he could ask her out.

He smiled at his own stupidity. He had not even met her. He didn't know her name, and he already wanted to ask her out. That's it, he was sure of it. He was losing his mind. He sighed. He would meet her. She lived next door, he had to meet her. He smiled. He would wait untill he knew who she was before thinking about anything else. But no matter how much he tried, he couldn't get her out of his head.

Tired. In pain. She didn't feel good. Not good at all. She had been at the beach all morning with Ric and Cassie. Now she was on her way home. She didn't feel good. For some reason she was in pain. She knew that it was normal, there was nothing nobody could do about it. Didn't mean it didn't bother her. She stopped walking. Breath easily, she told herself. Just breath. You'll get home eventually.

She debated wether to call Robbie. But she decided against it. If she would do that he would drop everything for her. She knew it. But she would also scare him a lot. And she didn't want to do that to him. Not when it wasn't absolutely necesary. She could keep walking. It's easy. It's just one foot in front of the other one. And whatever you do breath. Just breath.

Lucas walked outside. Talking to Jack. He was trying his best to keep the conversation away from the girl. He knew Jack wouldn't leave him alone if he admited he liked her. Unbebievable. He had just seen her once. For a couple of seconds. Love at first sight they say. Well it exist. At least in his case it does.

'Little brother, you listening to me?' 'What? Sorry?' 'Where's your head? You know what don't answer that. I'll do it. It's with the girl isn't it.' 'Jack. Don't tell anyone.' 'Relax. Secret safe with me. Though I don't understand why you just won't tell dad.' 'I saw her once. He'll think I'm crazy.' 'Well lets change that.' 'What?' Jack started to walk to the house next door, but was stopped by one very nervous Lucas. 'No Jack. You can't do this to me..' 'Relax. Well guess we won't have to go next door. Look over there.'

Matilda looked up. She could hear voices in the distance. For a second she thought it was her imagination. Then she saw them. Two guys. One of them was the guy from this morning. The cute guy. Her hearth jumped up. He was so cute. She smiled. She felt better. The pain was still there. But for some reason it wasn't that bad anymore. She swallowed and started to walk to them. She had to pass them to get to her house. It would be rude not to talk to them.

'Hi. I'm Matilda. Matilda Hunter.' She smiled at them. Jack could see his little brother wasn't going to say anything (to nervous poor thing) so he jumped in to help. 'I'm Jack Holden. This is my little brother. Lucas. We just moved in. And the man you see now leaving the house is my dad. Tony.' Matilda smiled at them. 'NIce to meet you. So you're my new neighbours.' 'Yeah.' 'Hey. I thought I heard voices. What's going on little sis?' Robbie came out of the house. 'These are the new neighbours. Jack. Tony. And Lucas.'

Robbie looked from Lucas to Mattie. He could see it. She liked him. But she didn't really look that well. Over time he had learnd to see what nobody else saw. Except maybe his mum. When his little sister wasn't feeling well, but hiding it from the world. He had to get her inside. He had to lie her down. But he couldn't just leave them hear. He was relieved to hear Tony say that they had to go.

Matilda lied down on the couch. The bad feeling was back. Robbie was making tea. He was good at making tea. She sighed. Outside, she had thought for a second that she was feeling better. But now she was sure that she was getting worse. She closed her eyes. Tired. So tired. She wanted to sleep. She wanted to rest. Slowely she drifted into sleep. Smiling she remembered his smile. Lucas.

Luke sat down on his bed. He felt bad. He had been so close to her. And he had been to nervous to say a word to her. This was ridicolous. He couldn't ask her out. Not when he couldn't get more out then a simple hello. She had seemed distracted. Like she was thinking of something else. Then it hit him. He knew nothing about her. For all he knew she had a boyfriend. He smiled. It didn't matter what he thought. He couldn't forget her smile. Matilda.

Jack looked in the room of his little brother. He was fast asleep. Silently he closed the door and walked to his room. Even though he had been teasing Luke all day long, he actually liked it that his brother found somebody. He would always protect him. That's why he stept in when they met her. He could see that Luke wasn't going to get any words out. Lying down on the bed he remembered the way her brother looked at her. There was someting about that girl. He just didn't know what.

Robbie walked back to the living room. His little sister was sleeping on the couch. Softly he covered her in a blanket. Looking at her lying there so peacefully he couldn't help but cry. He loved her so much. He wanted to protect her from everything. But he couldn't protect her from this. He siged. He walked to the pictures who stood on a table. Looking at the pictures tears rolled down his cheeks. First Henry died. And now Mattie was going to follow. Life wasn't fair. It just wasn't. Silently he praid. Just give her time. Just give her time to live. Just giver her time to love.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: don't scare me again

Slowely she opened her eyes. On the couch. She was lying on the couch. She moved a little. She looked beside her when she heard a noice. Robbie was asleep in the seat next to her. He was looking over her. She smiled. She must have looked really bad for him to sleep in a chair. For a second she wondered where her mother was. But then she rememebered. Her mum would not get back before tomorow.

Slowely he opened his eyes. He jumped up. His hearth jumped up to. His little sister was gone. He sighed. Stay calm. It's not that he panicked easily, but they were all so afraid. He knew she was going to lose her eventually. That's why he was so scared all the time. She had not felt good yesterday. Maybe she was feeling bad now. He sighed in relief when he saw her come out of the bathroom.

Luke looked in the mirror. He felt ridicolous. He had never worn a uniform to school before. The shirt wasn't so bad. He felt relieved when he heard he could wear jeans. But why, oh why did he have to wear a tie? He didn't even know how to tie one. He smiled. It wouldn't be so bad. Not if he could see Matilda.

Jack walked past the room of his little brother. He could hear him swear very soflty. He walked in and laughed. 'Watch it little brother, if you keep doing that, you'll strangle yourself. Unless of course you're trying to commit suicide.' 'I'm not. This is ridicolous.' 'Come on. It's not that difficult. I'll show you.' Jack smiled at his little brother.

'And if you feel bad...' 'Yes. I will come home inmeadiatly.' 'I still think we should tell Sally.' 'No. Not yet. When it gets worse...' She stopped talking. The exprecience on his face changed instandly. She didn't wanted to say it. But it was the harsh truth. She would never get better. They had to exept it. It didn't make it any easier. She wanted to be able to say if it gets worse, but it would be a lie. She walked forward and hughed him.

He put his arms around his little sister. He wanted to hold her forever. He never wanted to lose her. But there was no point in lying to themselfs. He held her tightly. They had time. She was reasonably well right now. She could be fine for months. Maybe years if they were really lucky. All they needed was time. As much time as they could get.

Matilda was talking to Ric and Cassie. Her best friends. She stopped talking when she saw him walk in. Her hearth jumped up. He was so cute. She coudln't think like that. She couldn't drag him into her life. Not as a boyfriend. But that didn't mean they couldn't be friends. Just as long as he didn't fall in love with her. She smiled when she saw him look her way. When she turned back to her friends she saw Cassie smile at her.

Luke walked into the school. He was walking behind Sally Fletcher. He was trying to listen very good to her. He didn't want her to get mad at him. But when he saw Matilda sitting there he couldn't pay attention no more. His hearth jumped up. Especially when she smiled at him. He smiled back. He felt very nervous all of the sudden. He hoped that he was in the same classes as her.

Two hours later

She smiled at him. She couldn't help it. She liked hanging out with him. She liked being close to him. She couldn't be feeling like this. He didn't need the drama of her life. Her family had no choice. Her friends didn't know. But he didn't deserve it. She saw Cassie look at her. She knew what Cassie was thinking. Suddenly a feeling hit her. The room started to turn. She had to get away. Before she threw up. Or past out. Whichever came first.

Luke smiled at her. She was beautiful. He liked her. He knew he did. It was weird. He had just met her. He wished he could ask her out. But it was to soon for that. Ok. He was to chicken to ask her out. Same difference. He looked at Cassie and Ric. When he had first met her he had been afriad he was her girlfriend. Now he knew she had no girlfriend. He looked at Mattie. Something was wrong.

Mattie ran into the bathroom. She threw up. She could hear Martha walk in after her. Appart from her family Martha was the only one who knew the truth. Well Robbie told Tasha who told Martha, but still. She didn't mind. It was actually good to have someone else. Someone who would be there when she needed someone. Like now. She sat down on the ground and rested her head on the door. Tired. Dizzy. She closed her eyes. She could feel cold water on her head.

She smiled. Martha was helping. She knew she couldn't sleep here. Especially not since her friends were outside. And Luke. She smiled. Suddenly she felt strenth inside of her. He gave her strenth. She remembered the list. Maybe he was the strenth she needed to finish her list. To do everything she wanted. Or at least some things.

Luke saw Mattie run away. He could hear her say she needed to go to the bathroom but it didn't seem right. He saw his worry reflected on Ric and Cassie's faces. This was not good. After a couple of minutes Matilda walked out. She was pale. She was sick. No matter how much she tried to hide it. 'You ok?' 'My stomach. It's ok.' 'Maybe you should go home.' 'Yeah. Luke is right Mattie. Go home. We'll tell Sally.' 'Ok.' Mattie got up and the world turned again. She felt Luke's arms around her.

'You ok?' 'Yeah. A little dizzy.' 'You should see a doctor.' 'We can send Flyn.' Ric looked at her worried. She was his friend. 'No it's ok. I'm just going home. Lie down. I'll feel better tomorow.' More like I'll hide it better tomorw. She sighed. 'Ok. I'll take you.' That was Luke again. He looked worried. She didn't want to worry him. She didn't want him to know. But she couldn't walk home alone. She couldn't. 'Ok.'

He walked beside her. He had wanted to be close to her. But not like this. He was carrying her bag. She couldn't do that. She looked bad. He sighed. Probably just a bug. He could ask her out right now. They were alone. But he didn't dare. He needed to know her better. He smiled at her. 'It's not that far. you ok?' 'Yeah. I'm fine. It's ok.' He sighed. She would be fine.

Matilda walked. She could feel him close to her. But it didn't matter. She was trying hard to pretend that she was fine. She wasn't. She was tired of pretending. Tired of hiding the truth. She was in pain. She could barely walk. She kept walking. She kept breathing. Just because she didn't wanted Luke to realise how bad she was. She didn't want to have to tell him. She would lose him.

Mattie lied down on her bed. She closed her eyes. She had told Luke she'd be alright. She had gotten him outside. Just in time. She had practicly fallen on the floor. But somehow she had managed to lie down on the couch. She tried to remain calm. It wasn't ok. She was feeling bad. Tired. In pain. She closed her eyes. Slowely she got up. Get to the phone. Call Robbie. Call Flyn. Call anyone. She fell down on the floor before reaching the phone.

Robbie ran to the house. He had forgotten his cellphone. Again. This was the third time this week. He just hoped nobody had called him. He opened the door and saw Matilda lying on the floor. For a second his hearth stopped. He drobbed everything he was holding and ducked beside her. 'Mattie! Mattie! Wake up!' He sighed in relief when she moved. 'You ok?' 'Tired. Want to sleep.' 'No. No sleeping.' Soflty he picked her up from the floor and carried her to the couch.

'I'm going to call Flyn.' 'No. I'm ok. I just felt back for a second, but I'm ok now.' Robbie sat down beside his little sister. 'You sure?' She nodded and lied her head on his shoulder. 'Ok.' Robbie held his little sister close to him. 'Never scare me like that again you hear me? I thought you were dead or something. Don't do it again.' 'I won't.' She knew it was a lie. They both new it. But they said nothing. For now they wanted to believe it.

Matilda stared at the list. Robbie had carried her to her room. She was lying down but she couldn't sleep. Her book was lying on her chest. She stared at one of the most important things in particular. Fall in love. It had been so important. She had never thought it would be this hard. Maybe she would fall in love with Luke. But she could never act on it. She couldn't do it to him.

Luke threw his bag on his bed. Looking in the mirror he sighed. The new school wasn't so bad. The kids were nice. The teachers were nice. He sighed. He had to admit. The school wouldn't be so great if Matilda wasn't there. He liked her. He really did. He hoped she would be back tomorow. He wanted to know her more. He smiled.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Closer

Mattie stared at the clock. Saturday. She hadn't been to school since she had fainted on thursday. Her brother simply wouldn't let her. Nor would her mum. But today there was no school. And today she would hang out with her friends. She closed her eyes. Today she would hang out with Luke. Today. She had not stopped thinking about him. Maybe they couldn't go out. But she was determened to be his friend. She didn't know why.

Luke was looking out the window. He kept looking at her house. He knew he seemed like a stalker. Well acording to his brother he seemed like one. He knew that Jack was just messing with him. Like he always did. But he couldn't stop thinking about her. He had never felt like this before. He wondered if she was thinking about him to. He hoped so.

Robbie sat down on the couch. His little sister had just left. If it had been up to him she wouldn't leave. He would lock her up to protect her. Make sure she was safe. But he couldn't do that. She deserved to live her life the way she wanted to. She deserved to eperience things everyone else would. She didn't have the time to do a lot of things. Even if he wanted to protect his little sister he could never do that. He could never steal the little life away his sister had left. He often wondered what was worse. Dying like Henry, unexpected, sudden, without the chance to say goodbye. Or being like Mattie. Having that chance, but getting worse every day, wondering, hoping, fearing that every day might be the last.

Mattie sat on the beach. Ric and Cassie had gone swiming. She couldn't go swiming. She knew that. Not because she couldn't swim. But because she could get sick. Maybe she wasn't strong enough. Ok. Truthfully she didn't swim because she was to scared to. Scared of something happeing to her. Scared. She was scared all the time. And she knew that even though he tried to hide it Robbie was scared to. She saw it in his eyes. She heard it when he called her name in the morning. She knew it. She didn't say anything nor did he. She never wanted to see that in Luke's eyes. She never wanted him to treat her different. Nor her friends. That's why she didn't tell.

Luke saw her sitting on the beach. She seemed far away. She was obviously thinking of something. Something sad. Something that worried her. He wanted her to smile. She had a beautiful smile. 'Hey.' She looked up at him and smiled. Beautiful. 'Can I sit?' 'Sure.' 'You feeling ok? You know..' 'Yeah. It was just a little bug. I'm fine.' She tried to make the words sound truthfully. She wanted it to be truth. 'Good.' Silence. Luke looked at the ocean. He didn't know what to say to her. He had thought about this a thousand times. And now. Now he couldn't say a word.

Beth Hunter sat at the table. Looking at a couple of pictures. Mainly of her children. Was it fair? Was it fair that she had to lose two children, while other mothers kept all of theirs? Was it fair that appart from losing them to death, she was losing her other daughter to life? Was it fair for her not to want her daughter to go? Was it fair of her to be jealous? She closed her eyes. Was it fair that this was happening to them?

Tony knocked on the door. He wanted to get to know the neigbours. Opening the door he saw her sitting at the table. 'Hey. Euhm I was wondering...' He stopped mid sentence. She looked so sad. 'You ok?' 'Yeah. I was just remembering.' He sat down. Taking the pictures from her hands he started to look at them. 'Who's he?' 'That's my son Scott. And this is my daughter Kit.' She stopped. Something was wrong with her. He could see it. But he didn't want to push. He would hear it over time. 'And this?' 'My son. Henry.' He looked at her as she talked. She was beautiful.

They were talking on the beach. The silence that had felt before was forgotten. They were so comfortable together, it was as if they knew each other for years. They talked about everything. Luke felt so great. He liked her, she liked him. Maybe not the way he liked her. But at least as a friend. She smiled. He smiled. And they talked. As if they were best of friends. As if they had been this way forever.

Matilda felt great. Just talking to him. It was as if they knew everything about each ohter. They talked about everything. Everything that she could think off. Everything but the things that mattered. She smiled at him. He would be a great friend. Just a friend. He could never be something else. She didn't want him to go trough it. He would never go trough it. And even if he would she could never ask that of him.

But nothing of that mattered right now. For a while it felt as if that everything was normal. As if she wasn't going to die. For a second it felt like she would live forever. For a second she felt so close to him. Close enought to feel alive. Just close to each other.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: the list

Mattie smiled at him. She felt great, better then she had felt in ages. And it had nothing to do with medicine or doctors. No, this was all Lukas. Who could have known that a boy would make her feel so good. She thought she would never have enough time. Now she can at least die with the thought that she fell in love. She had no idea if it was really love or if it was just attraction. But she had no time to find that out.

Luke smiled back. She had a beautiful smile. She was a great person. A funny person. He liked her. He really did. But how to tell her? She looked away from him. There was something about her. Something strange. Almost as if she was hiding something. She refused to talk a lot about her siblings. Only about Robbie. He didn't think much about it. He just didn't.

'Here you go.' Tony put a cup of tea in front of her. 'This is ridicolous. I feel so stupid.' 'You shouldn't be. I mean, I'd feel just as bad if I would lose one of my kids. It's ok.' Beth smiled at Tony. Yeah she had lost one of her children. He knew that. What he didn't know was that she was about to lose another one. And that one of her children was losing herself. But just being able to talk about Henry had helped. She felt that he should know that.

'Thank you.' She just whispered it mainly. He smiled at her. He felt that he had to help her. She was a nice person who had suffered a loss no mother should lose. A father shouldn't have to feel it either. Silently he thanked the lord that his children were alright. But he didn't feel he had done a lot. All he had done was listen. Maybe that was enough. 'Don't mention it. It was nothing.'

Jack looed at the ocean. He had always wanted to live so close to an ocean. He scanned the beach, looking for his little brother. He smiled when he saw him sitting next to Matilda. He looked like he was having a good time. He was glad his little brother was so happy. He deserved it. He turned around. He never saw her. He bumped into somebody hard.

She fell down. All the papers she had been holding were scattered around her. 'Sorry. I'm so sorry.' She looked up. Right in the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. She had never seen him before. She was sure of it. She would have definitly noticed somebody so hot in summer bay. Definitly. 'Don't worry about it.' He smiled at her. She was beautiful. Maybe Luke wasn't the only one with luck. 'I'm Jack. Jack Holden.' 'Martha. Martha Mackenzie.'

Luke looked up. 'Who are those?' 'Drew Curtis and Belle Taylor. The most popular kids in summer bay high. They're not nice. They're number 14.' He looked at her. He debetad wether he should ask. But he wanted to know. Everything there was to know about her. 'Number 14?' 'Befriend somebody I don't like.' He looked at her wondering. He didn't really understand what she was talking about. 'It's a list. A couple of years ago Henry and I made a list. 50 things to do before we turn thirty. Number 14 was befriend somebody you don't like.' 'Oh. Who's Henry?' 'My brother.'

She turned away from him. She didn't want to talk about Henry. Not right now. She hoped he got the message. He did. 'So what else is on that list of yours.' 'Run a marathon. Swim with Dolpins. Visit every continent. write a story. Graduate college. Go scuba in two places at once. Learn to drive. Those kind of things.' She looked at the ocean. Smiling. 'So what's number 1?' 'I could tell you. But I'd have to kill you.' He smiled. 'What else is on the list.' 'Take an african safari. Visit Paris. Fall in love. Learn to surf.' 'Surf?' 'Yeah.'

Luke ran away from the beach only to return ten minutes later. This time with a surf board. He wanted to help Mattie accomplish the things on her list. He didn't know how to help her with a lot of them. Right now all he could do was learn her how to surf. His hearth was racing harder then he thought it would be imaginable. He smiled at her.

Mattie looked at him. He wanted to help her. But she didn't know if she should do it. She came to a decision. She would learn how to surf. If she felt bad she could always go home. And so he started to learn her. It was hilarious. She couldn't do anything. But slowely she started to learn how to surf. She was having so much fun. More then she had had in years.

Sitting down on the couch he smiled. Remembering how much fun he had had with Mattie. He didn't even hear the door open. 'Boooo!' Jack jumped from behind him. He jumped in the air. Unbelievable. 'Sorry. You were just so lost in your thoughts. I just couldn't resist.' Luke smiled and sat back down. 'You ok mate?' 'Yeah.' 'I saw you with Matilda in the water. What were you doing?' 'Learning her how to surf. Jack. How do you know when you like somebody. I mean really, realy like somebody.'

Jack sighed and looked at his brother. 'Well. When you can't stop thinking about a person. When you wonder where she is. When you want to be close to her all the time. Help her with everything. That's when you'll know.' Luke stared in the distance. 'You really like her don't you?' 'Yeah. I think I do.' 'Well go for it mate.' 'What? Jack I can't do that.' 'What's so bad about it. Just ask her out.' 'No. I can't. What if she says no.' 'Oh come on mate. I saw you two together ok. She likes you. She was having the time of her life. Just ask her.'

Mattie pulled the sweater over her head and looked in the mirror. She was tired. More tired then she usually was. But it didn't matter. She had had so much fun with Luke. Why did things have to be so complicated. Why did she have to die? Why couldn't she just live like every other kid and fall in love? Why did this happen to her? She looked up when she heard Cassie's voice. Time to be brave. Time to fool the world. Or in this case Cassie.

'Hey.' 'Hey. You ok?' 'Sure.' Cassie and Mattie sat down on the couch. Cassie looked at her best friend. She looked so tired. So pale. Actually now that she remembered it she looked tired all the time. It was almost as if something was draining the life out of her. It was as if every time she saw her best friend she was more tired and paler. She didn't really understand. At first she had thought it had to do with Henry. But now that she remembered Mattie had been looking sick from before that.

'You sure you ok? You look pale and tired.' Mattie sighed. She wished she could tell her. But she was so afraid. Afraid that Cassie would threat her differently. Afraid to lose her best friend. 'I just had a busy morning.' 'Yeah I saw you with Luke. You like him don't you?' Mattie turned red. She could feel it. 'You do. Well he likes you to.' 'How do you know?' 'Have you seen how he looks at you? It's the most obvious thing in the world. So you two going to go out?' 'NO! we can't go out. I can't do that to him.' Cassie was taken back by the outburst. 'Why not?' 'Because I can't.'

Mattie stood up and walked away. Cassie followed. She examined her friend closely. She didn't look good. That was for sure. Something was going on. And she wanted to know what it was. And she would find out. 'Mattie what's goin on.' Mattie couldn't meet her eyes. 'I'm your best friend. You can tell me everything.'

Mattie hesitated. She wanted to tell her. More then anything. She needed somebody to lean on. She had her brother but she also needed her friend. Could she tell her? Could she risk it? Cassie had been her best friend for so long. She wouldn't turn away from her when she needed her the most right? She swallowed hard. Meeting her best friends eyes she came to a decision.

'Ok. I'll tell you.'


	7. Chapter 7

**I'm so sorry for not updating sooner. I kept forgetting I had to. Sorry. please forgive me. **

**Don't own home and away. If I did I wouldn't kill so manny of my favourite characters (damn you writers!)**

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Chapter 7: city trip

'Ok. I'll tell you.'

Mattie walked back to the couch. After the morning she just had, she was to tired to stand up for to long. Cassie followed looking at her. Her eyes were asking her to go on. She didn't know if she could. She knew Cassie was her best friend, but she was still so scared. Scared of being treated differntly. Scared of not being given a chance. Scared of what Cassie might say. Scared of being left alone.

She always knew that eventually she was going to have to tell them. But knowing that didn't make it any easier to tell. Slowely she took Cassie's hand. Partly to support Cassie. Partly to support herself. Taking a deep breaht she started to talk. The longer she talked the worse it got. By the time she finished they were both crying. Tears rolled down their cheeks.

Cassie looked at her best friend. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know what to do. Her best friend was dying and there was nothing she could do about it. But she wans't feeling differently, she would always be by her side. Slowely she took Mattie into a hug. Trying to express everything she felt in it. Together they cried. Untill they had no more tears.

Robbie opened the door. He found Cassie and Mattie sitting on the couch. Holding onto each ohter and crying. And that's when he knew. He knew that Mattie had finally told Cassie. He din't really know what to do. Slowely he walked backwards away from them. Closing the door behind him he walked away from the house. This was something his little sister had to do on her own.

'I'm so sorry Mattie. How long have you know?' 'Long enough. You can't tell anyone.' 'But Ric..and Luke...' Mattie closed her eyes. 'You can't tell them because I want to tell them. I have to tell them. And I can only tell them when I'm ready. Please Cassie. Promise me. You can't tell them.' Cassie looked at her best friend. She knew that Mattie was right. 'Ok. I promise.' Taking her best friend in another hug she started to cry again. She never knew how long she sat there. But it deffintily wasn't long enough.

_A week later_

Mattie sat in the back of the car. Her head rested on the window. It had been a week since she told Cassie. And nothing had changed. She hadn't told anyone else and Cassie had honored her promise. She had spend a lot of time with Luke. She had felt so great. She didn't know what it was that she was feeling, but it was a good feeling. The problem was she could feel that Lucas was getting closer to her. Getting attached to her. And she didn't want that.

Robbie looked at his little sister and sighed. He knew she didn't want to go to the city. He knew she was sick of seeing doctors and hospitals. But she had to. Everything that could make her better everything that gave her more time. It was necesary to see the doctors. He wasn't ready to lose her. Not yet. He would never be. He kept an eye on his little sister. Just to make sure she was alright.

Luke sighed. This was unbelievable. How his dad had convinced him to go shopping with him was still a mystery. He shook his head. He couldn't believe Jack had gotten out of this. Just because he had a date with Martha. Not that he minded. He was happy that his brother had a date. But it meant that he was here. And not in Summer Bay. He wondered what Mattie was doing. Probably having fun with Ric and Cassie.

Looking up he suddenly saw her. His hearth started to beat faster. That was a normal reaction. He had gotten used to it. What was she doing here? Not that he minded. If he could talk to her, his day would suddenly be a lot better. 'Hey mate. What is it?' 'euhm...' 'The Hunters. Let me guess the girl right.' 'How...' 'I'm your father. I'm supposed to notice this.' Luke smiled and looked at Mattie.

Mattie smiled. She was glad her apointment with the doctor was over. She hated going to the hospital. She hated it because it reminded her that she was running out. She smiled. She was glad that she had convinced her mom to go shopping. Robbie wasn't so happy but he said nothing. Looking up she suddenly met Luke's eyes.

'Hey.' 'Hey. What you doing here?' Luke sighed. 'My dad wanted to go shopping. Unfortunatly.' 'Oh. But shopping is fun.' Luke smiled at her. He knew that everything with her would be fun. Everything even shopping. 'Come on.' Luke looked at his dad. Softly his dad nodded at him. Go ahead.

Mattie smiled. She felt a lot better then this morning. She always felt better when she was around Luke. She looked at the bracelets. She didn't know what she was supposed to do. She liked him. She knew she did. But she didn't wanted him to get attached. She looked at him. Maybe she should back away now. Now that he didn't like her that much. Or maybe, maybe she should tell them.

Luke saw Mattie smile. She has a beautiful smile. He wanted to ask her out. He wanted to know her better. She was his friend. He liked her. Smiling he started to think. He couldn't believe that he thought he would never like Summer Bay. It was even better then the previous town. He would ask her out. But only when the time was right. In other words when he had gathered enough courage to ask her out.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 : 'It's not fair'

She stood on the beach, staring at the ocean. She saw the kids play and wondered if she would ever have a normal life. She wouldn't. She would die before she got the chance. Closing her eyes she sat down. She was tired. To tired to stand. To tired to care about anything. Her mind wondered of to Luke again. She had found herself thinking a lot about him. If only she would have the time...

Luke saw her sitting there on the beach. Everytime he saw her he realised how beautiful she was. He was nervous. Very nervous. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. Just breath. Calm down. It's now or never. She likes you. Just ask her out. What could possibly go wrong? If they liked each other they could go on a date. Slowely he started to walk towards her. Trying to make up his mind about what to say.

'Mattie!' She looked up when she heard her name. As she saw Luke aproaching her hearth jumped up. She felt great everytime he smiled at her. When she was with him it was almost as if nothing was wrong with her. If only that was truth. She smiled at him. Trying to fight back the tears. 'Hey. How you doing?' 'Ok. You wanne go for a walk?' 'Sure.'

They started to walk down the beach. He had rehearsd asking her out over and over again and now he couldn't get the words out. He took another deep breath. How was he supposed to do this? Maybe he should talk about something else first. So he did. And of course the only thing that came to mind was the weather.

Mattie looked at Luke. She was sure that something was wrong. He was acting weird. He was nervous. And it seemed like he kept trying to ask her something. Oh no. He couldn't ask her out? He wouldn't. Would he? She didn't want to hurt him. She didn't want to say no. But she couldn't go out with him. She couldn't pu thim in that situation. Please don't ask me out. Please don't do this.

'Mattie, can I ask you something?' Luke took another deep breath. It was now or never. Just ask her out.

'Sure.' Mattie kept her eyes down. She didn't want to look at him. If she did she might start to cry. Please don't ask me out. Please.

'I was wondering...wel we've been hanging out a lot lately...and I like you....and I think...well. That you like me to' He stopped not sure how to go on.

'Yes?' She didn't know what else to say. She wanted him to stop right there. She didn't want him to ask her out. She didnt want to hurt him. But a part of her wanted him to ask her out. It would probably be the only time someone would ask her out.

'I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me. You know on a date.' He said the words so fast, he wasn't even sure at first she had understood him.

Mattie looked at Luke. He had asker her out. She wanted to jump up. She wanted to scream in exitement. She wanted to say yes. In an other time, in another place, she might have said yes. But she couldn't. She didn't want to say it. She didn't know how. She liked him she really did. But he couldn't like her. It would break his hearth if he would find out she was going to die.

He looked at Mattie for a while. She stood there without saying a word. She stared at the sand as if she was afraid to meet his eyes. And maybe she was. She started to shake. She didn't say a word. He needed an answer. He knew she liked him. So all he needed was an answer. If they liked each other there was no reason why they couldn't go out right?

'Say something.' Mattie heard him say it. She knew she had to say something. 'You shouldn't have done this.' She started to walk away from him. She didn't want him to see the tears. But of course he followed her. 'What. Wait. You like me rigth.' 'Maybe. I don't know.' 'So what's the problem. Go out with me.' 'No.' 'Why not?' 'Because I can't!' 'But why not?' 'Because I can't!' 'Why not?' 'Because I can't.' He stopped. 'I want to ask why not but it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere.' She turned away from him and started to walk again.

She felt him grab her arm and turn her around. 'I don't understand. If we like each other why can't we go out. It's just a date.' 'No. I can't go out with you. I can't.' 'But...' 'Look. It took me a lot of time to accept it. To come to terms with it. I don't need a reason to be angry now! Please. Don't ask me out again. Please.' She couldn't anymore. She turned around and she ran away.

Luke stood there. Unable to move. He felt like his hearth stopped beating. He had been so sure she would want to go out with him. He didn't understand what had happened. He saw her run away and he knew he should have gone after her. But he didn't. He just stood there motionless. Then the tears came.

Mattie ran. She ran hard. She had not run this fast in a long time. She knew she shouldn't be. She would get tired. She would be out of breath. But she couldn't stop. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. It's not fair. She kept running. Trought the entier town. Untill eventially she was home. Home and out of breath. Hardly able to breath.

Beth was sitting on the couch when she heard somebody at the door. When she looked up she almost had a hearth attack. There stood her little girl crying and trying to breath. 'Mattie. Are you ok?' She didn't have time to get up. Mattie was already on the couch.

Mattie held her mother tightly and cried. She had only cried once before when Henry died. But this was a different kind of pain. The pain of a broken hearth. She cried. And she couldn't stop. But she was still out of breath. She knew her mother was worried. She had to say something. 'He..;He....he asked....me...out.' She stopped to catch her breath. 'Luke.' 'Yes.' 'What did you do.' 'I said no.' Beth held her toghter tightly. She knew what had happened. She didn't anymore explaining. 'Why mum. Why did this happen to me? It's not fair! I'm a little girl. I want to live. Why mum. Life's unfair.' Beth didn't know what to say to her little girl. There were no answers.

Luke fell down on the couch. He was home alone. He didn't know where his father or his brother were, nore did he care. He didn't know how long he sat there before Jack came home. 'Hey little bro. I just had the best day. Martha asked me to go to the...' Jack stopped when he saw his brother's face. Sitting down beside him he softly asked. 'What happened?' 'I asked her out.' 'I take it it didn't go well.' 'no. She doesn't want to go out with me.' He started to cry again. He could feel his brothers arms around him and he leaned against his brother.

Robbie softly place Mattie in her bed. She had fallen asleep after crying a long time. He put the blanket on her and kissed her hair. 'Night little sis.' Softly without making noice he walked outside and closed the door. He found his mum sitting on the couch. 'WHat happened?' 'Luke asked her out. She refused.' He said nothing and just sat down. 'She asked me why life was unfair. Why she had to die. But I don't know. Robbie why does my daughter have to die?' Robbie still said nothing. He also had no answers. 'You know they are going to be asking us questions tomorow.' 'I know.'

Robbie opened the door of his sisters room again and looked at her sleeping form. Mattie was right life wasn't fair. He had no answers for her. He believed his siter had every right to be happy, just like everybody else. But he could also understand why she didn't want to hurt Luke. Why? Why was this happening to them. Why?

Jack looked at his brother. It didn't seem real. He had seen Mattie and Luke together. They liked each other. Everybody noticed. So why did she turn him down? He didn't understand it. But as he started thinking there were a lot of things that didn't make sense about Mattie. Something was defintitly off there.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: her life

_She stood on the beach staring at the ocean. She didn't know how she got there. She didn't know where she was. She saw a person approaching her. She knew who it was, but she couldn't recognize him. She heard a voice calling out her name. She turned around. When she turned back to the other person he was gone..._

Her eyes flew open. For a second she thought she was still standing on the beach. But she wasn't. She was lying in her room. She wasn't feeling well. Last night sprung to mind. Luke. She closed her eyes again. She didn't want to think about that. Not now. Insteads she thought about the dream. It wasn't the first time she had had that dream. The person aproaching her came closer everytime she had it.

Luke turned around in his bed. He didn't sleep. If he did he didn't sleep a lot. He closed his eyes. He tried to block everything out. The more he replayed it the less it made sense. She had turned him down. That he understood. What he didn't understood was what she had said. She had talked about accepting something. About not wanting to be mad. Mad at who? What was going on. He opened his eyes again. Maybe he was trying to read to much in it. Maybe she simply didn't like him.

Robbie sat down at the table. He couldn't understand why this was happening. Wasn't it enough to lose Henry? To watch Kit go to pieces? Did he really have to lose Matilda to? He closed his eyes. What hurt him the most was that Mattie was suffering. Suffering because she was to afraid to do the things she wanted to do the most. The things she deserved to do. He looked up when he saw her come in. She looked paler then she had done yesterday. She didn't look well at all.

Mattie felt like her head was going to explode. The room kept on turning though she had to admit it wasn't as bad as when she first got out of bed. She hadn't trown up yet. But she was sure she wouldn't hang on for long. She was tired. She could hardly walk. When she saw Robbie looking at her the way he did she knew she looked as bad as she felt. This happened everytime she had those dreams. She felt worse afterwards. Almost as if the dreams sucked the life out of her.

Jack walked out of his house. He hadn't been awake for that long. He stopped to look at the house next door. He tried to shake the feeling off him that something was wrong. It just didn't make sense. She liked Luke that was much clear. But why did she say no. Nothing Luke had told him had made sence. And it became weirder when he saw Mattie run out of the house.

Mattie couldn't hold it anymore. She felt sick. So sick. She wanted to lie down. She wanted to get everything inside her out. She wanted the pain to stop. The physical one and the emotional one. She closed her eyes hoping that it would stop. It wouldn't. The only thing that occured to her, for a reason she couldn't explain, was to run outside. So she did. She felt her big brother come after her. She fel down on the porch. Everything she had eating yesterday came out. She lied there on the floor shaking uncontrolably. Weak she felt so weak. Sick she felt so sick. Cold she was so cold. And Tired she felt so tired. The second she thought that she closed her eyes and fell asleep.

Tony walked to the house. Jack had told him everything. What Luke had said. What had happened that morning. Everything. Jack was right something was definitly off. He found Beth sitting at her kitchen table. Staring at the coffee in front of her. 'Hey.' Beth looked up when she heard Tony's voice. She had knewn this was bound to happen ever since Mattie didn't go out with Luke. She had to tell him. She knew she did. If it was only so that they would understand why.

'What's going on? Luke said he asked Mattie out. Jack said he saw Mattie get sick this morning.' Beth looked at the coffee. 'She doesn't want to go out with him. I respect that.' 'I don't understand. Something is going on. Beth.' She looked up. She had tears in her eyes. It wasn't something good. That much he already knew. 'She doesn't want to date.' 'She's a teenager. Every single on of the wants to date. Plus she likes Luke.' 'Yes she does. But she doesn't want to go out with him. I understand that. I respect her decision. She doesn't want to. She has a good reason.' 'What reason. What is goin on?'

When Beth looked up she knew that she had to tell him then. He would never understand otherwhise. 'Sit down.' 'What?' 'Just Tony please. Sit down.' Tony took the chair in front of her. This was not going to be good. 'She doesn't want to go out with him because...She doesn't want him to get hurt.' 'He's a teenager. They haven't even dated yet and already she thinks about a break-up? He would survive.' She shook her head. 'You don't understand.' 'Then make me understand.' 'It's not that. She's going to ... Die.'

He sat there. For a second he thought he hadn't heard her right. 'She's what?' 'Going to die. She has leukemia. We discovered it three years ago. She had threatement for a while, but the doctors weren't very optimistic. After about a year they stopped. They couldn't tell us how much longer she would live. She and Henry spend a lot of time together. He always thougth he would lose her. He thought he wouldn't be able to live without her. In the end he went first. About a month after the threatement ended. But that doesn't matter. Mattie doesn't have very much time left. She gets worse every day. Today...She doesn't want to go out with Luke because she's afraid he will get attached to her .And then he will lose her. She wants to protect him.'

'He would understand. Let him choose. He can deal with this.' She shook her head again. Tears in her eyes. 'You don't know that.' 'I know my son.' 'And how many times has he been in a situation like this?' Silence. 'The thing is. And this is the most important time. She's a young kid. She has been denied her life. The time she has left she wants to spend it her way. She has that right. It's her life. Let her make the choice. I respect her choices. Because she has the rigth to live her life the way she wants to. Or at least what's left of it.' 'She should tell him.' 'When she is ready she will tell him. But untill then don't tell him. Like I said it's her life. She has the right to tell the world when _she_ is ready. Not sooner and not later. It's her life.'

He didn't know what to say. Everything was so overwelming. He had expected anything but not this. Part of him wanted to tell his son everything. But Beth was rigth. Mattie had the rigth to live the way she wanted to. He knew that he couldn't tell his sons anything. He had to let them live their lifes. He nodded. He wanted to leave that second but he couldn't. He knew that Beth needed somebody by her side. So he sat there. He didn't know how long.

Jack sat there looking at the clock. His dad had been there a long time. He hoped it was nothing bad. He knew something wasn't right but. She couldn't be sick right? It would kill Luke if he would lose her. That couldn't happen to him. He looked at the clock again. The longer he looked at it the more sense a sickness made. Because why else would it take so long for his dad to come back?

Luke lied donw on his bed. He closed his eyes. Trying to calm himself down. He had tried so hard. Maybe he had misread her. Maybe she didn't like him. But why why did she say she didn't want to be mad. Why. It didn't make any sence. It didn't. There was noting logical about it. Who was she mad at? Why was she mad? What had he done? What was going on?

_Mattie sat on the beach again. She wasn't feeling well. It had to be really bad, because normally she didn't feel anything in her dreams. It was her escape world. But she still didn't know why she was sitting on the beach. She was all alone. There was nobody nearby. She looked around. Slowely the pain started to dissapear. She felt better by the second. Then the other person appeared again and started to approach..._

Robbie sat on a chair next to his sisters bed. She was sleeping peacefully. If you looked at her you wouldn't notice how bad she had been today. He shook his head. He would never understand this. He would never make sence in it. He would never understand why this was happening. Nor would he ever want to. Soflty he stroke her hair. He would sit here untill the next day. Guarding over her. So she would be safe at nigth. That's all he wanted. For her to be safe.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: we're going to lose

_Mattie looked at the person. She knew him. She knew she did. But she couldn't recognise him. It was as if her hearth recognised him but her head wasn't following. She couldn't see him. Not good enough. She closed her eyes. The pain had dissapeared. She tried not to think of anything. She wanted to clear her mind. She wanted to know who the other person was. She opened her eyes and looked at the person. She knew who he was. Before she recognised him a white ligth surounded her. Everything around her became dark...._

Mattie's eyes flew open. She was shaking. Baiting in her own sweat. Her hearth was racing extremely hard. She tried to catch her breath. It was as if she ran a marathon. Slowely she tried to calm himself down. Deep breaths. She needed to take deep breaths. Just deep breaths. The room turned around her. She felt her food come back up. She closed her eyes. She had to calm down. Take deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. She kept repeating the same sentence over and over again. Just breath.

Robbie walked into the room. He saw his little sister lying there. Taking deep breaths. Shaking. She had never been that pale. The cup of tea he had in his hands dropped on the ground. He ran to her and sat down beside her. It had happened before. But never this bad. The problem was they couldn't do anything. All they could do was be there for her. Hold on to her hand and let her breath. Don't lose it. Stay calm. You have time to freak out later. She needs you strong. The words of the doctor flashed trough his head. He took Mattie's hand in his and whispered. 'Breath little sis. Just breath.'

Luke lied awake on his bed. Not sure what he wanted to do. He could get up and face the day. But he didn't want to. But he couldn't lie here anny longer either. He would go crazy. He kept repeating over and over again what had happened on the beach. That was enough to make him crazy. He didn't understand. He really didn't understand. Something wasn't right. Something was definitly wrong. He smiled. Maybe he was imagining things. Maybe he just wanted to believe it. Believe that something was wrong.

Jack sat in the living room. He was definitly sure that something was wrong. Especially since his dad had come home. He hadn't said anything. He had just walked in the house past him. As if he didn't see him. That wasn't like his dad. He had seen that something was so wrong. He didn't dare to ask. His dad looked so bad that he felt he didn't watn to know. It must be something really bad. Maybe it was better if Luke didn't know. If he didn't know.

Tony sat in his room. Staring at a picture of his sons. Mattie. Dying. And his son liked her. This wasn't good. Poor Beth. He couldn't imagine how he would feel if he was told he would lose one of his kids. Let alone two. He sighed. He knew Beth was right. It was Mattie's life. She had as much right as everybody else to make her own choices. But part of him wanted to tell his son. He guessed it was instinct. The instinct to protect his kid. No matter what.

Two hours later

Mattie felt better. She had convinced her mother she felt good enough to go for a walk. She needed fresh air. She watned to be alone. She wanted to think. Maybe she should tell Luke. Maybe he would understand. She started to think. What was she more afraid of? That he would grow attached to her? That she would hurt him by leaving? Or that he wouldn't understand? That he would hurt her? She need to be alone. To think about this. She wasn't afraid. Not of getting sick. She knew she wasn't alone. She knew Robbie was following her. He wouldn't show himself. He wouldn't bother her. But she knew he was there.

Jack walked next to his dad. They weren't really going somewhere specific. Just getting out of the house. It didn't feel right. Leaving his little brother there all alone. But he had a feeling his dad might tell him what's going on. If Luke wasn't around to hear them. He had the feeling it was something really bad. Why else would his dad be acting like this? He had never seen him like this. Maybe he had been like this when his mother died. But he couldn't really remember that.

Robbie walked behind his sister. Far enough so he wouldn't bother her. But close enough so he could react if something went wrong. He knew she knew he was following her. She didn't mind. He didn't want trouble. He didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. He just wanted to protect her. That's all. She looked a lot better then she had this morning. He sighed. He knew that didn't mean anything. It could go wrong any second. He sighed. He would protect her for as long as he could. But his hearth broke. Because he knew that it wouldn't be long before the time came that he couldn't protect her at all.

Mattie stood on the beach. She liked Luke. And he liked her. In the end that's all she had really wanted. To fall in love. She had never thougth somebody would love her. She didn't want to hurt anyone. But a part of her wondered if it would be better to have someone by her side. Maybe she would hold on longer. It would giver her a reason to fight. Other then her family. She sighed. Tears appeared in her eyes. Was it selfish? Was it selfish to want somebody on her side to hang on to? Was it?

She felt her knees go weak. She wans't as strong as she used to be. She fell down on her knees. The ocean made her wet. It felt great. It made her feel alive. As if she was really a part of this world. She felt her brother come up next to her. She had known he would come. Maybe he thougth she was sick. Maybe he knew she needed someone. She didn't know. And she would never know. She would never ask him. It would couse to much pain. It would hurt him. And she didn't want to hurt him. Not more then he already was.

Robbie saw his little sister fall down. He walked to her inmeadiatly. He wasn't really worried. He could see she just needed someone. If she had been sick then it would have been worse. Soflty he sat down next to her. He put his arms around her and pulled her closer to him. She needed someone to hang on to. And he would be there for her untill the end. He would be strong. He didn't know how long they sat there. He didn't know how long it took for Mattie to calm down a bit. But it didn't matter how long he held her. He always knew it wasn't long enough. Not for her. And definitly not for him.

'It's not fair. I don't want to die.' Robbie tried his best to make his voice sound calm. 'I know. There are no answers. It just happens I guess.' Mattie could hear that Robbie was trying to sound calm. He didn't succeed. She could hear the pain in his voice. She wanted to make him feel better. But there was nothing she could do. 'You like Luke right?' 'Yeah. I really do.' She looked at the ocean. 'What am I supposed to do?' 'I don't know. You have to choice. Your path. Your life.' 'Not a long life. I'm not ready to die. I'm young. I want to live.' She started to cry. 'But I'm not going to. I can fight as hard as I want. I will never win will I?' Robbie pulled her close to him again. He said nothing. He didn't know what to say. 'I'm going to lose aren't I?' 'We always knew that. You're not the only one. We're going to lose.'

Mattie felst his strong arms around her. He tried to make her feel better. Tried to be strong. She didn't know how much longer he would last. She rested her head on his shoulder. Soflty she whispered a question to him. She needed to know. 'What am I supposed to do?' 'I don't know.' 'What?' 'You know what I think? You should tell him. He has the right to know. Tell him. And see what happens.' 'I don't want to hurt him.' 'It's his choice. Tell him little sis. Tell him.'


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: i'm sorry

She watches as the waves hit the sand. She had no idea how long she had been standing there. Just watching. It was peacefull here. Quiet. Maybe that's why she dreamed about the beach so much. She felt good here. At peace. For a moment as if she was normal. She knew that a couple of meters away from her her brother was standing. Protecting her. Like he would always try to do. Even when he couldn't protect her anymore.

He sat on the beach but he wasn't looking at the ocean. She had wanted to be alone again. He understood that. But he wasn't going to leave her here alone. He was to afraid for that. He sighed. He wondered if he could be strong forever. She held on to him. His mum looked at him for strenth. What would happen if he would crumble? If he would fall? If his strenth would leave him? Would everyone fall with him? Or could she stand without him?

He looked in the mirror. He looked really bad. He hadn't slept at al last night. He hadn't eaten anything. He was love sick. And he didn't understand anything. He didn't understand why she wouldn't go out with him. She liked him. Maybe he had just imagened that. But he hadn't. He knew that. But he couldn't push the isue either. What if she had a good reason? But what if she had no reason at all?

Jack saw his little brother sitting there. Just staring at the mirror. He wondered what he should do. Should he go in there and be there for his brother? Should he go and leave him alone? Maybe he wanted to be alone. Maybe he wanted him by his side. How was he to know what the right choice was? He decided to walk in. After all if Luke really didn't want him there, he could send him away. Sitting down next to him he placed an arm around him. He didn't say anything. Just sat by his side.

Mattie walked in the caravan park house. She knew Robbie wasn't following her anymore. After all there was always somebody in this house. And there was a doctor her. She needed to talk to her best friend. She needed to know what to do. 'Hey Mattie. You ok?' She knew what Cassie meant. For a second she didn't know what to say. But she recovered quickly. 'I'm fine. Euhm..Is anyone else here?' 'No. Flyn is at the hospital. Sally, Pipa and Ric went for a walk. Why?' 'I need to talk to you.'

And so they talked. Mattie told Cassie everything she felt. Everything that had happened. She needed to know what to do. Your best friend can always help you right? 'Tell him. You should go out with him. You have as much right on happyness as anyone else. Tell him.' She sighed. 'Maybe. But how do I tell him I'm goint to die?' 'You're going to what?' She looked up. She hadn't heard them. There stood Ric and Sally looking at her. So much for her secret. But maybe it was better to tell them. They would have found out eventually.

Luke walked outside. He sighed. He didn't want to go for a walk. He didn't want to leave the house. But Jack had somehow convinced him. And now they were here. Standing in front of their house. He sighed again. He really didn't want to go. He didn't want to risk running into Mattie. He didn't want to risk finding out he had imagned everything. But he didnt need to go far. There she was. And just like everytime he saw her his hearth jumped up. She was beautiful.

She stood there. She wasn't sure if she really wanted to do this. But after telling Sally and Ric, she had made up her mind. She had to tell him. No matter the consequensces. And now she stood here. Her hearth beating harder then it should. Tears in her eyes. She had to tell him. She just didn't know how. 'Hey.' He looked at her. She saw the pain in his eyes. 'Hey.' He even sounded broken. She saw Jack back away from them and go back in the house. Somehow she knew he was standing somewhere he could see them. Just in case Luke needed him. It something that Robbie would have done.

'I don't understand.' He was the first to speak. She had started this conversation but seemed unable to go on. So he spoke. He knew Jack was close to him. Far enough not to hear the conversation. But close enough to know if he needed him. 'You like me.' She looked at him. He saw tears in her eyes. He didn't understand anything anymore. But it was her answer that brought back a little bit of hope. 'I do.' 'So why won't you go out with me?' 'It's complicated.' Complicated. As if that would help him. As if that would explain everything.

Complicated. She couldn't believe she had actually said that. It didn't tell him anything. 'Complicated? What's so complicated about it.' 'You don't understand.' 'You're right. I don't understand. So help me understand.' She looked up. Right into his eyes. He seemed determined to find out the truth. And she knew she had to tell him. 'Just let me explain ok? I can't go out with you,because I don't want to hurt you. You don't deserve it. Noboyd does. You shouldn't have to feel this pain. You should be able to go out with someone, fall in love and not lose. Not be hurt.' She stopped. Not sure how to continue.

'I don't understand. Why..' He didn't finish the sentence. He looked into her beautiful eyes. Full of tears. What was going on? What was so bad? He took a deep breath. Something in her behaviour made him feel like he really didn't want to know. It had to be bad. He tood another deep breath. It didn't matter. He had to know. He would understand. But nothing could have ever prepared him for what came next. 'I'm...I'm...going...to ...die.' He froze. No. He had dreamed it. This couldn't be happening. Not to him. 'What?' He was suprised he could get anything out.

'I have leukemia. I have known for years. I didn't watn to hurt you. You shouldn't have to go trough this. I'm so sorry. That's why.' She started to cry. She looked at him. He didn't react. He stood there. He was shocked she could see that. He wasn't prepared for this. He wasn't ready for this. She could see that. He shouldn't have to be. 'I'm sorry.' She turned around and walked to her house. She didn't look back. She didn't think she could.

He just stood there. He had never expected this. He couldn't say anything. He saw her cry. He saw her break. And he did nothing. Something inside him had broken. He couldn't do anything he was to shocked. He just stood there. He saw her walk away. And he still didn't move. After a while he walked into his house and sat down on the couch. That's when he broke completely and just started to cry. Jack who was standing in the kitchen didn't understand what was happening.

He could feel his brother's strong arms around him. He leaned against him and cried. He would explain it later. But he couldn't do it right now. Jack just held his little brother close. He didn't know what happened. But it wasn't good. He just held him tight. And all the time Luke could still hear Mattie's voice in her head. 'I'm sorry.' Apologizing to him. As if any of this was her fault. Because it wasn't her fault. It was nobody's fault.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: by your side

Luke sat on his bed. He couldn't believe it. This couldn't be happening. This didn't happen to kids. This never happened to kids. She was so young. She had her entier life in front of her. This couldn't be happening. But it was. And he did nothing. He saw her cry and he had been unable to move. Unable to say anything. Unable to do anything. And now he sat here on his bed. Trying to make himself believe it. He loved her. He knew he did. But the worse of it all was that he found himself wondering if it was all worthed.

Jack sat on the beach. He had expected anything but not this. Poor Matilda. Poor Beth. Poor Robbie. Poor Luke. He wished there was something he could do. But there was no way he could take this pain away. There was no way on earth he could protect his little brother from this. He had to make his decisions for himself. He felt somebod sit down next to him. 'Hey.' Softly he placed a kiss on Martha's hair. He counted himself lucky.

Mattie sat down on the couch. She had told him a while ago. She didn't know why. She thought it would be better. She never wanted to hurt him. But it was to late. She did. She saw the pain on his face. She saw the fear in his eyes. He didn't want this. He shouldn't have to go trough this. Nobody should have to go trough this. She started to cry. She couldn't help herself. Never had she wished so much for Henry to be there with her. By her side. Holding her tight.

Robbie walked in the house to find his little sister on the couch. Crying. He didn't like to see her in pain. He saw it a lot lately. He didn't like that. Not at all. He couldn't help her with most pain he knew that. But he had seen Tony and he knew what was going on. And this was one pain he could maybe help Mattie whit. Or at least try. Soflty he sat down next to her. He felt her lean against him. He pulled her in a close hug.

_She sat down at the beach again. This was getting ridicolous. She didn't know why she dreamt about the beach so much. It's not like she really liked it. But it was calm here. Without pain. She couldn't feel anything. She didn't even think about Luke. She saw one other person on the beach like always. But she didn't look at him. She took a deep breath. It was nice not to feel pain. Not to have to think about anything..._

Her eyes flew op. She was lying on her bed. Robbie must have brought her here. She was tired. Like always after those dreams. She didn't want to have to hink about what they meant. But by not thinking about that she found herself thinking about Luke. Again. She was in love. She sighed. She hadn't expected this to happen. She took out her list. Number two. Fall in love. Well she did it. But she didn't really expect to feel this way.

He turned around in his bed again. He felt selfish. He felt like he should do something. He loved knew he did. He wanted to be with her. But could he really take all of this? Was he strong enough? Could he do this? Did he love her enough? Unable to lie in his bed any longer he got out of his bed. Dressing without looking at himself in the mirror. He found his big brother sitting in the kitchen. He didn't say anything. He was just there for him. WIthout a word.

Hours later

Mattie got out of the house. She stopped. He was standing there. She felt her hearth jump up. Tears appeared in her eyes. Maybe she could just walk past him. No she couldn't. Maybe she should just walk back inside. She didn't have the time. He walked to her.

He saw her standing there. She looked as beautiful as ever. His hearth jumped up. Beating harder then it should. He had made his decision. He knew what he wanted to do. And he would stick with it. No matter what. He walked to her. Trying to ignore the pain he was feeling.

'Hey.' 'Hey.' 'We need to talk about this...' She stopped him. She didn't want to hear it. 'Look Luke I know what you want to say. I know this is hard for you...You don't have to do this. You don't have to say anything. You can just go. I won't be offended. I will understand.' He just looked at her. Trying to find the rigth words. There were none.

He moved forwards and captured her lips in a soft kiss. A short and gentle kiss. She looked up at him. 'What?' 'I don't want to go. I love you...And I know what's waiting. And I know this won't be easy. But I want to be with you...I want to be by your side. Through it all. You need help. You need someone to be there. And I want to be there for you.' Tears rolled over her cheeks. 'Why are you crying?' 'No reason. I just thought...You're sure? I don't want to hurt you...'

He stopped her by capturing her lips in yet another kiss. He placed his hand on her back pulling her closer to him. She placed her arms around his neck. For a moment, just a moment, it seemed as if everything was perfect. As if nobody was sick. As if nothing was wrong.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: First date

Mattie pulled back. Her first kiss. It was perfect. She loved him. She really did. But somehow it still seemed wrong. She couldn't help but think this was all a mistake. She couldn't put Luke trough all off this. She couldn't. She tried to tell him. But he cut her off with another kiss. A perfect kiss. She felt her knees go weak and thanked God that Luke was holding her. Because if he hadn't been she wouldn't be standing anymore. And this time it had nothing to do with her health.

Luke felt like he was floating. It felt great. He loved her. He wanted to be with her. Even if it would just be for a short time. He wanted to be by her side trough everything. He looked her in the eyes. Trying to find the words to tell her all of that. Trying to tell her that he loved her. And he would make sure that the time she had left would be the best of her life. Because even if he couldnt be long with her, he knew he wanted to be with her. Because he didn't want to wake up one day and wonder what if.

It was Jack who brougth them back to reality. 'Hey you two. Get a room will you!' He screamed. Trying to sound mad. But he couldn't stop laughing. That's when Mattie and Luke realised that they weren't alone. Jack, Robbie, Tony and Beth were watching them. Luke felt himself go red. This was not exactly what he wanted. He tried to say something but he couldn't find the words. 'Why don't you all come in.' Luke looked at Mattie and smiled. Together, hand in hand, they followed Beth into the house.

Hours later

Mattie was going crazy. Just crazy. She had never gone on a date. In fact the last couple of years she hadn't even cared what she wore. But now it was important. She wanted it to be perfect. She didn't want him to change his mind. She ran in her room from one side to the other. Desperetly picking up her clothes and throwing them back on the floor. She sat down on the bed. She had nothing to wear. Everything was going to go wrong. She could feel it. It would all go wrong.

Luke ran trough his room. Every item off clothes he had didn't seem good enough for Mattie. He wanted it to be perfect. For her. He wanted her to have fun. To remember him forever as a good thing. But it wasn't really going well. He would take her to the movies, he just hoped she would like the movie. He ran out off his room. Looking for help. But there was nobody there. His dad was talking to Beth. He knew that. But he needed his brother. Now.

Robbie walked into Mattie's room. He saw her sitting on the bed her head in her hands. For a second he thought something was wrong. But then he looked around the room. And he knew. Mattie was just nervous. 'What happened here?' 'Nothing.' 'Nothing? Mattie it looks like a huricane went trough here.' He walked to the bed and put his arm around her. 'What is it little sis?' 'Everything is going to go wrong. I'll look ridicolous and...' 'Stop. Calm down. It's your first date. Everybody feels like that. Now why don't I help you choose an outfit?'

'Hey little brother. What's going on.' 'Where have you been?' 'I was on the beach with Martha. Why?' 'WHat do you mean why? Everything is going wrong. I have nothing to wear. I don't know what to do...' 'Stop. Calm down. Everything is going to be alright. Now let's just think. Take a deep breath. I'll help you.' Luke took a deep breath and looked at his big brother. 'You really going to help me?' 'Of course I am. That's what I am here for. And then I will be mocking you for that rest of your life for freaking out like this.' Putting an arm around his little brother Jack pulled him towards the bedroom. They would find the perfect outfit. Together.

Beth looked at Tony. 'Look. I know you'll think I'm overreacting but..' 'Hey. Everything is going to be alright. Now tell me one more time. Then I can write everything down and tell Luke. I understand. I really do. Now.' 'Ok. She can feel very dizzy sometimes. Now there's nothing he can do about that, and he shouldn't freak out about it. Just sit her down. And if there somewhere near a cafetaria or a shop or anything get her a soda. If she suddenly runs away it's because she's feeling sick. He should follow her. No matter where she goes. And just be there for her. If she faints he should first try to wake her up.' 'And if that doesn't work?' 'Call us. You have all of our numbers right?' 'Yes. Again. Everything will be alright.' 'I know. She's happy.' 'So is he.' 'You're sure he can handle this.' 'His choice. He wants to be with her. And we will help him trough it.'

Later that night

Mattie and Luke were sitting on the beach. Mattie's head was resting against his shoulder. She felt great. She had been worried but nothing had gone wrong that night. She felt at peace. Comfortable. She wanted to stay this way forever. Always by his side. But she knew she had to go home. She had to be home in two hours. Or her mum would go nuts. But for now she just wanted to stay this way.

Luke felt her close to him. He had never felt so great in his life. He knew what was waiting for them, but he didn't want to think of that now. He just wanted her by his side. For all the time they had left. 'Hey. You still awake?' 'Yeah.' 'You still ok?' 'Yeah.' 'Can I ask you a question?' 'Didn't you just ask me one?' She smiled. 'Go ahead.' 'You talked about a list. What's on it.' 'Manny things. I can't do a lot off them.' 'But the things you could do. What are they?'

She sighed. She had made that list with Henry a long time ago. Henry. Every time she thought of him she felt bad. But the knowledge that soon they would be together again made that pain less. 'Lie in bed all day. Send a message in a bottle.' 'Why?' 'To tell the world I was really here. That I lived.' 'What else?' 'Learn to ballroom dance. Go up in a hot-air balloon. Go skinny dipping.' 'What?' 'I got the idea from Ric and Cassie. That's how they met. I thought it would be fun.' He laughed. 'Sing a great song in front of an audience. Shower in a waterfall.' 'There are waterfalls in summer bay?' 'I don't know. I don't think so. But...I want to dance in the rain and sleep under the stars. I want to drive a car. I want to go abseiling.' 'Isn't that dangerous.' 'Not if you have somebody with you who knows how.' 'And I want a tattoo.' 'Is that number 1?' 'No.' 'Did you tell me what it is?' 'No.' 'Are you going to?' 'I could. But I would have to kill you.' He placed a soft kiss on her lips. 'You ok?' 'I'm tired.' 'I'll take you home.'

They stopped when they reached her door. Luke placed a soft kiss on her lips. 'Good night.' 'Good night.' He turned around. 'Hey.' 'What?' 'Never leave without saying I love you.' He smiled. 'What?' 'Henry used to say that. Because if something would happen you would always know that the last thing you told them was that you loved them.' He felt tears well up in his eyes. She was right. 'I love you.' 'I love you.'

Luke sat down next to his brother. 'And?' 'It was great.' 'Oh. My little brother is growing up. I'm so proud.' 'Stop. Now.' 'I can remember when you were just a little boy and you..' Luke stood up and walked to his room. Jack followed him. 'I'm not listening to you. Pretending I don't hear you.' Jack laughed. 'Alright. Tell me. How did it go.' 'Everything was perfect.' 'You ok?' 'I love her.' 'I know.' 'But I'm going to lose her. What am I going to do without her.' 'Hey little brother. We're not there yet. And when we get there, I will help you go trough it. I'm here for you. You know that right?' 'Yeah.' Jack looked at his little brother. He smiled. 'But I still remember when you were just a little boy...' Luke smiled and threw his pillow at him.

Mattie sat down on the couch and closed her eyes. 'Hey Little Sis!' She jumped up. You would think that after spending so much time with Robbie you would get used to him. But you don't. 'Hey.' 'You alright?' 'Just tired.' 'So tell me how did it go.' 'Great. It was perfect.' 'It was your first date. Glad it went better then my first date with Tash. Remember?' 'You mean the time you hit her with your elbow, she dropped the box on your foot, you accidentally covered her in pie, and she accidentally closed the door with your fingers between it? How did you two get together?' 'We're both crazy. In other words perfect for each other.' Mattie closed her eyes again. She was so tired. 'You sure you ok?' 'Tired. I'm going to sleep. Night.' 'Night.' 'Love you.' 'Love you.' 'Mum. I love you.' 'Love you sweetie.'

Luke slept with a smile on his face. Jack looked at his little brother and was happy everything was going great. He just hoped it would stay this way for a long time.

Mattie slept peacefully. She didn't dream of the beach. In fact she dreamed of nothing. Robbie looked over his little sister to make sure she was alright. He hoped she would stay alright. For as long as possible.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: Together

She opened her eyes. She had never felt so happy in her life. Luke. Her first date. And everything had gone well. Everything. She hadn't felt sick for a second. She closed her eyes again. She smiled as she remembered last night. Slowly she tried to get back up. She waited for a couple of seconds; expecting the room to turn. It didn't. She smiled. Maybe her love for Luke did help. Even if it was just for a while.

Luke's eyes flew open. Mattie. The first and last thing on his mind. He smiled. He had the best time last night. She was great. He turned around. They were happy together. He closed his eyes. But it wouldn't last. She was sick. He couldn't forget that. He shouldn't forget that. He opened his eyes again. He smiled. At least they were together and happy. For now. He just whished he knew how long it would last.

Robbie put the last milk on the table. When he saw his little sister come in a smile appeared on his face. She looked so happy. And healthy. Usually she looked sick in the morning. But not today. Maybe it was because she was so happy. Maybe it was because of Luke. Or maybe she just learned how to hide it better. He shook his head slightly. He shouldn't think like that. He couldn't think like that. She looked good. Because she was in love.

Jack was eating his breakfast. He smiled as Luke sat in front of him. He looked happy. But also sad. He sighed. How could this be happening? How could the one person his brother loved be dying? He sighed. He couldn't change that. Nobody could change it. And it was nobody's fault. He had to convince Luke of that. All he could do was be there for Luke. Because sooner or later Luke was going to need him. He closed his eyes hoping it would be later rather than sooner.

'Hey guys.' Luke and Jack looked up. 'Hey dad.' 'What's up?' 'Beth invited us to diner tonight. The three of us.' Luke looked at his dad. 'Mattie…' 'Will be there of course.' Luke smiled. He wanted to spend time whit Mattie. As much as he could. But he understood that she wanted to be with her family to. This was a good compromise. Tony turned to Jack. 'Oh; She also said that you could bring Martha if you want.' Jack smiled. This would be a great night.

_That night_

Laughter could be heard from the room. Everyone was laughing. Robbie was telling them funny story's. Things that had actually happened to him. Mattie and Luke were sitting on the couch. She was leaning against his chest. He had his arms wrapped around him. They felt so good together. So comfortable. Together. They felt as if everything was perfect. As if nothing was wrong.

Robbie and Tasha were sitting in the couch to. He was telling them the story's. He had his arm wrapped around her shoulder. Jack and Martha were sitting on another couch. He had her in his arms. She was leaning against him. They were all laughing. All having fun. For a while it seemed as if everything was alright. Beth and Tony were sitting at the table. Just looking at them.

Jack was listening to Robbie. He was a great guy. A funny guy. He would be a good friend. His eyes wondered to his little brother. He looked so happy. They looked so great together. He was worried. He couldn't help it. Eventually his little brother would get hurt. And there was nothing he could do about it. He pulled Martha closer to him. Why couldn't Luke have somebody healthy? Why did this happen?

Robbie was telling all of the story's that came to mind. Everyone was laughing. Everyone was having fun. He was laughing. But inside he felt like he was dying. His eyes wondered to Mattie. She was happy. That was a good thing. He wanted to safe her. But he couldn't. He didn't want to lose her. Why did this happen to them? Why did Henry die? Why did Mattie get sick? Why?

Luke felt Mattie in his arms. He felt great. Every time she was close to him his hearth started to beat faster. He was in love with her. But he had to fall in love with the one person who would leave him. Not that it was her fault. She couldn't do anything to stop it. But for as long as he could be with her he would hang on to her. For as long as possible.

Mattie rested her head against his chest. She could feel his hearth beat. It calmed her down. She felt great. She looked around the room. Her family was here. Her friends (apart from cassie and ric) were here. Her boyfriend was her. Her boyfriends family. Everyone together. She smiled.

This is what she wanted. For everyone to be together. For as long as possible.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: the return

She sat in her car. She wasn't really sure were she was going to go. She couldn't just go home. Not after everything that happened. Not after what she did. Sure they had said it wasn't her fault. It didn't really mean that they believe it. And now she was here. On her way back home. But she wasn't really sure she wanted to. Slowly she started to drive again.

_Welcome to Summer Bay_

Luke stared at his breakfast. He wasn't really hungry. He couldn't stop thinking about Matilda. He loved her so much. And the thought of losing her, it just killed him. He stared at his breakfast. He didn't even hear his brother come in. He just sat there. Thinking. About everything. And he was scared. Scared to lose her. Scared of what was coming. Scared. Of everything.

Jack walked in and saw his little brother sitting there. He looked so down. So broken. He wanted to do something. But he couldn't think of anything. "Morning little brother. What ya doing today?" Nothing. Noting happened. No answer. Think of something. "Well I'm planning on…Leaving the force and becoming a clown. So if you don't see me anymore just look for someone with a wig and big shoes." Nothing. "Little Bro? You ok?"

Mattie sat at the breakfast table. Robbie was watching something on TV. Her mum was in the bathroom. She just sat there. She couldn't stop thinking. Luke. Everything seemed so perfect with him around. But she couldn't help but wonder what was going to happen. She would get sick. Soon. And she couldn't help but worry if he would just leave when that happened. And she wondered how long she would hang on if he did leave.

Robbie was watching TV. Every few minutes he looked at Mattie. He knew he was probably being overprotective. But he was worried. If he would look away something might happen. He couldn't lose her. He wasn't ready to lose her. He would never be ready to lose her. How could this have happened? Was it something he did? Was it something they did? What did they do to deserve this?

_Twenty minutes later_

Mattie felt Luke's strong arms around her. And she felt great. She rested her head against his chest. She felt great. She closed her eyes. She was so tired. She wanted to sleep. But she didn't want Luke to let go of her. She knew she should lie down in her bed. But she felt so comfortable in his arms. Slowly she drifted of to sleep.

Luke pulled her closer to him. And he wondered. He wondered how long he was going to be able to hold her. How long they were going to be together. He felt her cuddle closer to him. And he felt great. And sad. He placed a soft kiss on her hair. Just wanting to hang on to her. For as long as he could.

Jack kept looking at his little brother. He knew he wasn't doing alright. And he wondered how long he was going to be able to do this. If it was even a good idea. He knew that Luke loved Mattie. He knew Mattie loved Luke. But sometimes love isn't enough. And in this case it would definitely not be enough. He looked at his dad and Beth who were sitting at the kitchen table. And he suddenly realized they couldn't back out anymore. They all needed their help. All of them. And all he could do was watch.

Robbie looked at his little sister. She looked so happy. She hadn't been that happy since Henry died. He was the only one who could make her smile. And now Luke managed to do that to. And it was good for her. Good for them. But somehow he felt jealous. It was ridiculous his little sister deserved to be happy. She deserved to laugh. But every minute Luke spend with her, was one minute he could spend less with her. And it hurt. And he felt guilty for feeling that way.

The door opened with a big bang. Everyone looked up. And there in the door stood….

"Kit!"


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: painfull story

'Kit!'

Mattie turned around the second Robbie said her name. Kit. Her big sister. She let go of Luke and jumped up. It had been to long since she saw her big sister. And she just wanted to hold her. She knew Kit was in pain. But right now she didn't care. She ran to her big sisters and pulled her in a tight embrace. She felt Kit give in to it for a second but then she let go of her.

She heard her brother call out her name. Her little sister jumped up and hugged her. And she wanted to hold Mattie. Hold her and never let her go. But she couldn't do that. Not after what she had done. So she let go of Mattie pretty fast. And she walked away from her. She couldn't see the look of disappointment on Mattie's face. But she could imagine it. She could.

Robbie couldn't believe it. After months. He got up and walked to his sister. He saw mattie hug her. And Kit walk away from her. He tried to give her a hug to reassure her everything was going to be alright. But Kit ignored him. Didn't even look at him. Walked right passed him. So instead he walked to his little sister and hugged her. To reassure her everything would be alright.

Luke looked at the scene in front of him. And didn't understand a thing. He didn't understand who the girl was or what was going on. And by the look on his father and brother's face he wasn't the only one. He saw the girl (Kit) walk to Beth. Beth smiled at her and pulled her in a tight embrace. But just like with Mattie she pulled away rather rapidly. As if she preferred not to be hugged.

It was two hours since Kit had returned. Luke, Jack and Tony had gone home. Kit had taken a shower and was now getting dressed. Mattie sat at the kitchen table. Looking at an old picture. All of them together. Why did all of this happen to them. Why. She couldn't understand it. She probably never would. She shook her head. She saw her big sister come out of the bathroom.

Kit saw Mattie get up and walk to her. But she didn't want to have to look her in the eye. She saw Mattie come closer to her and she turned away. Walked right past her. Couldn't face her. Not now. Probably not ever. The only reason why she let her hug her was because it could very well be the last time. It could always be the last time. She sat down at the table. Back to Mattie. Without turning around once.

Mattie stood there. She knew Kit was in a lot of pain. She knew Kit felt guilty, especially around her. But it hurt. It hurt to be threaded like that by her big sister. But she didn't know what to do. In fact there was nothing she could do. She tried to get closer to Kit. But Kit moved away from her. Guilt. She started to cry. She turned around and ran out of the house. Past Luke's house. She didn't' stop until she reached the beach. Unable to run any further she felt her knees go weak. Slowly she fell down on the sand. Crying.

Luke saw Mattie run past the house. And he ran after her. He didn't even think about it. He just did. It felt normal that he would run after her. Like it would be wrong not to do so. She kept running. He never knew she could run this fast. He saw her stop at the beach. She fell down on the sand. She was crying. And it broke his heart. It broke his heart to see her like this. It broke his heart to see her in this much pain. Slowly he sat down next to her. Putting his arms around her and pulling her in a hug. He didn't understand what was going on. But he was sure she would tell him.

Beth sat at the table. Kit had gone for a walk. Robbie and Mattie were nowhere to be found. She sighed. She had no idea what she had done to deserve all of this. She heard the door open but she didn't look up. She didn't see the point. She looked up when she heard Tony's voice. 'What's going on?' She sighed. She might as well tell him the full story.

Mattie looked at Luke. Trying to figure out a point to start. She couldn't find one. Taking a deep breath she started the story. A painful story. 'Henry was my brother. My twin brother. We were always together. We made that list. You remember I told you about that? Three years ago we found out I had…Leukaemia. It hurt. He promised he would be there for everything. We'd be together. In the end it didn't go like that. But we had hope. A lot of hope. Hope we would make it. Hope the treatment would help. It didn't. About a year later all our hope died. It died with the treatment. It just died.'

Luke pulled Mattie closer as she told her story. He didn't really understand what this had to do whit the girl from yesterday. What was her name Kit? 'But what does this have to do with Kit?' 'She's my oldest sister. She vowed to take care of us. For as long as she could.' She started to cry again. He didn't understand. Softly he pulled her closer and placed a soft kiss on her hair. Trying to calm her down. Reassure her that everything was going to be alright. But how could he reassure her if he wasn't really sure what was going on?

Beth sight. She didn't really know how to continue. 'About a month after they stopped the treatment, Mattie wanted to go to this show. And I let her. Henry was with Max in the city. It was raining. It was dark. They were all three at the show. But Mattie felt bad. So they called Dani to come and pick them up. Dani is an old friend let's say. But Dani only had a small car. And Mattie needed to lie down. So she and Max went with Dani and Henry was going to get home a different way.' Beth stopped. Tears rolled down her cheeks.

Tony couldn't really follow. He couldn't think of anything to do. All he could think of was to comfort her. To make her feel better. He needed to do that. He didn't like seeing her cry. Slowly he put his arms around her. To protect her. To make her feel sure. She sobbed on his shoulder. He doesn't know how long they sat there. But it was pretty long.

'Henry got another drive home. It was raining. And you couldn't really see that well. They never saw the other car coming. They tried to get away and ended up losing control of the car. It turned and it turned and eventually it hit a tree. And then it burned.' She felt the tears come up again. But she couldn't cry. Not now. She had to be strong she had to tell him everything. 'Henry never got out. According to the doctors he probably died when the car hit the tree. Most likely was the word they used. Which was good. Because then it meant he never felt the flames. And that it didn't hurt so much. I never saw his body. I didn't want to. According to euhm Robbie, who did see him, it was better I didn't. It was better to remember him the way he was.'

Luke didn't know what to say. He pulled Mattie closer to him. She cried. She couldn't stop. 'We…we…always thought he'd lose me…We never considered the possibility I'd lose him. We never thought of that. We never thought of that.' 'It's ok. It's ok. I'm here. Cry. Shhh.' Luke placed another kiss on her hair. He still didn't really understand everything. Though he was coming to a conclusion. A conclusion she didn't want to think of.

'I don't understand Beth. What does this have to do with Kit.' 'He tried to call Robbie, but he wasn't there. Neither was I. Kit was the only who was here. She was driving the car. And ever since that moment where she lived and he didn't she just went crazy. She felt so guilty. So guilty.' Tony placed a hand on her shoulder. He didn't know what to say. It had to be horrible. For Beth, for Mattie, for Robbie and for Kit. He couldn't even think about having to go trough this.

Luke still held Mattie close to him. But she had calmed down a bit. She wasn't crying as much anymore. Not as much as before. 'She felt guilty. Especially around me. She thought everything was her fault. And not matter how many times we tried to convince her it wasn't. That it had been a horrible accident she didn't listen. She just didn't listen.' She took a deep breath. The story was almost over. Then she could rest again. 'Kit is an alcoholic. After my dad died she went nuts. We thought that was bad. But after Henry…It was worse. She disappears for months. We never know where she is. Sometimes she calls. Sometimes she visits. Mostly when she needs something.'

'Like money?' Tony asked it before he thought about it. When he said it he immediately realised it had been the wrong thing to ask. 'Yeah. Like money. She needs it.' 'So you give it to her? I mean why not try to take her to a doctor. Maybe a place where they can cure her. Help her.' 'I tried. But she doesn't listen. And if I don't give it to her I'm going to lose her. I already lost a son in an accident. I'm losing my other daughter to a disease. I can not lose another child tony I can not. And if given her the money makes her come back and stay then I will.'

Mattie felt luke's strong arms around her as they walked back to the house. She had finally told him the full story. He didn't really know what to say but that was ok. There was nothing he could say. Nothing that would bring back Henry or turn back the clock. She just wished that Kit believed that she didn't' blame her. That she knew it was an accident. That it wasn't her fault. But most of all she wished that Henry was there. She moved closer to Luke. Holding him tight.

Luke didn't know what to do or what to say. It seemed so surreal. The Hunters seemed to have no luck at all. How could all of that happen to such a nice family? How could this be happening to mattie. Why did things have to be like this. And he hoped. He hoped he could have Mattie by his side for a long time. And he hoped that one day Kit would know Mattie doesn't blame her. And hopefully before it was to late.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: dance lessons

Mattie sat on the couch. Staring at an old picture. Luke had brought her home. Only to discover that Kit had already left. Tears stood in her eyes but she didn't not cry. She did not want to. She didn't want to think of pain. She wanted to be happy. She closed her eyes. The memory of Luke flashed trough her head. His eyes. His hugs. His kisses. She smiled. No more tears.

Robbie walked into the house. She sat there on the couch. His little sister. And he remained standing there. Just looking at her. He didn't want to lose her. But he was going to. He tried not to think about it, because when he did he could feel his heart break. And he didn't know how much more he could take. Broken since Henry died (barely healed after his father's dead). Broken since Kit left. He couldn't take another blow. But he was going to.

Luke stared at the glass of water. It was night. He couldn't sleep. The story Mattie told him kept going trough his mind. He couldn't stop thinking about it. He just couldn't. But mostly he couldn't stop thinking about her. And his heart broke every time he thought of her. He was going to lose her. He didn't want to lose her. He took a deep breath. Trying to calm himself down. Slowly he drank the water. Trying not to think of it.

Jack got up when he heard somebody pass his door. He wasn't sleeping. His dad had told him about Henry and Kit. He sighed. He wondered how many blows the Hunters were going to receive. They did not deserve this. Nobody did. He walked out. Seeing his brother standing there it broke his heart. He looked so helpless. And there was nothing he could to about. All he could to was be there. And he hoped. He hoped that that was going to be enough.

_Saturday _

Luke sat on the couch. Thinking. He wanted to cheer Mattie up. He loved it when she smiled. He wanted to help her. Even though he knew that there wasn't much he could do. But there had to be something. Anything. The conversation about her list came to mind. Maybe he could do something about that. He saw his big brother walk into the room. And he smiled. That's it.

'Jack?' He turned around to his little brother. He knew that voice. Luke only used it when he wanted something. 'What?' 'Just wanted to talk to you about…' Jack smiled. Unbelievable. 'Just ask it.' 'What makes you think I want something?' 'Luke.' 'Fine. You know Mattie's got this list of things she wants to do. And I wanted to help her with it.' He nodded while pouring out his coffee. 'And you know one of those things is dancing under the stars. So I wanted to help her. It's just…Well…I can't dance. And I was wondering if you could help me?' Jack listened to Luke. He was listening so attentively he didn't pay attention to how hot his coffee was. He took a sip. And screamed

'AAAH!' Luke jumped in the air. 'What?' 'That damn coffee was hot. I burned my tong.' Luke couldn't help it. He laughed. 'It's not funny Luke. Stop laughing.' After jack drank a lot of water he calmed down. Still cursing the coffee he turned back to Luke. 'So you were talking about dancing?' 'Yep.' But he still couldn't stop laughing. 'Alright. I'll help. We'll see how's laughing in a couple of minutes.' Playfully Jack hit Luke's shoulder.

_20 minutes later_

Jack laughed. He was trying to teach his little brother how to dance. But it wasn't really going that well. Either Luke fell over his feet, stepped on his or managed to get them both lying on the ground. Well either Luke was hopeless or he was a lousy teacher. He hoped it was the first one. He sighed. This was going to take forever. But at least they were having fun. He hadn't seen his little brother smile in a long time. And it felt good to see him laugh hard.

He tried to do what Jack told him to. Really he did. But it wasn't really working. Maybe he just wasn't built for dancing. He laughed as he fell on the ground. Great. Now he would never be able to dance with Mattie. Because lets face it falling on the ground in front of your girlfriend is embarrassing. And he didn't want to go trough that. But he had to keep trying. He had to make her laugh. Maybe falling on the ground wasn't such a bad idea after all..

_Two hours later_

He had thought all Luke needed was time to learn the steps. How wrong he was. Here they were two hours later. And he still couldn't dance. Maybe he was just a lousy teacher. But Luke was determined to keep trying. He wanted to dance. And he had to admit it was fun. And if his little brother wanted to do this for Matilda he could at the very least help. Not that it was going good. But he could try.

Luke tried and tried. And he just couldn't do it. He couldn't dance. It was simply impossible. Maybe he should just give up on this and try to do one of the other things on the list. The problem was he couldn't really remember what the other things were. Just the dancing. So he tried again. He started to get it right…For about three seconds. He fell over his feet forwards and tumbled into Jack.

Jack thought he had it. He really did. But then he fell forwards. He tried to move but he wasn't fast enough. He felt his little brother bump into him. Together they fell backwards. On the couch. Luke on top of Jack. Both laughing. He couldn't believe it. This was ridiculous. Suddenly the door opened. He looked up. There was only one thing that could have made him laugh more. His girlfriend walking into this scene.

Martha opened the door. And froze. Jack and Luke on the couch. Laughing. Ok. Weird. She couldn't help it she started to smile. 'Ok. I don't think I want to know.' Jack pushed luke of him and went over to Martha. 'I was teaching Luke how to dance.' 'By lying on the couch? You seem to misunderstand the concept of dancing. For one thing you have to be standing.' She smiled. 'Cute. We fell ok.' 'Ok. Little tip. If you fall down on the couch. You're doing it wrong.' 'So you can do it better?' 'You bet I Can.' 'Prove it.' 'Fine. Luke want to learn how to dance?'

_30 minutes later_

Jack stood dumbfound at the scene in front of him. Unbelievable. She had done it! In 30 minutes she had learned Luke how to dance. Guess he was a lousy teacher after all. 'No way.' 'Told you I could do it.' 'But..But…But..' Martha smiled at his stuttering. Softly she placed a kiss on his lips. 'Guess you're not such a good teacher. Good thing you're a cop.' He smiled and pulled her closer to him. Capturing her lips for another kiss.

Luke smiled. He could do it! WOOHOO! He could dance. He looked up. He saw Jack and Martha kiss. And he smiled. He was happy for his brother. He shook his head. Why couldn't he be so happy? Why did Mattie have to…he couldn't say it. Not even in his head. It would make it to real. He looked at his brother again. At least he could dance now. That would make Mattie happy.

_That night_

She sat on the couch. Holding onto the pillow. She still couldn't believe that Kit had just left like that. Just like that with no warning. She shook her head. A soft knock on the door made her look up. Her mom opened the door. Luke. She smiled. Her heart started to beat faster. 'Hey.' 'Hey.' He gave her a soft kiss. 'Come on.' He put out his hand. She looked at her mum. She didn't like it when she went out at night. But her mum just smiled at her. Slowly she took his hand.

'What are we doing here Luke?' Luke had guided her all the way outside. Now they stood there. Under the stars. 'Well you said you wanted to dance under the stars right?' 'Yes.' 'Well that's what we're going to do.' Before she could say something she could here soft music starting in the background. She smiled. He took her hands and smiled to. There they were. Under the stars.

_Every night in my dreams_

_I see you, I feel you_

_That is how I know you go on_

Luke guided her. She never knew he could dance. She placed her head on his chest. She could hear his heart beat. This was perfect. Luke felt her lean agains his chest. And he smiled. He placed a soft kiss on her hair. And they danced.

_Far across the distance_

_And spaces between us_

_You have come to show you go on_

Jack smiled looking at his little brother. He looked so happy. They looked so perfect together. He turned around and smiled at Martha. Taking her hand he took her with him. Martha smiled as they started to dance. Softly he kissed her.

_Near, far, wherever you are_

_I believe that the heart does go on_

_Once more you open the door_

_And you're here in my heart and my heart will go on and on_

Robbie smiled. He looked at his little sister. She looked so happy. And that's what he wanted for her. He saw Tasha smile at him. And shook his head. 'I'm not a dancer.' 'I'm sure you're not that bad.' 'Trust me.' 'Please.' She looked at him with puppy eyes. He couldn't resist it. So they danced. With Robbie occasionally stepping on her toes.

_Love can touch us one time_

_And last for a lifetime_

_And never let go till we're one_

Tony stood next to beth as they watched the scene in front of them. Three couples dancing under the stars. And they looked so happy. Beth smile. It had been a long time since she had seen her daughter this happy. She loved it.

_Love was when I l__oved you _

_One true time I hold to_

_In my live we'll always go on_

Mattie felt his heart beat. She had never felt so great or secure in her life. She smiled. This is what she had always wanted. Dance under the scar with the boy she loved.

Luke felt her close to him. And he smiled. This felt great. Thank God he had learned how to dance. It felt great. As if nothing could ever go wrong. He wanted it to last forever.

_Near, far, wherever you are_

_I believe that the heart does go on_

_Once more you open the door_

_And you're here in my heart _

_And my heart will go on and on_

And the three couples danced. Under the stars. It was a magical moment. A moment they wished could go on forever.

_There is some love that will not go away_

_You're here, there's nothing I fear,_

_And i know that my heart will go on_

_We'll stay forever this way_

_You are safe in my heart_

_And my heart will go on and on___


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18 : the first scare

Matilda slept peacefully. There had never been a moment in her life when she had been happier. She wanted to sleep forever. Never wake up. She remembered everything about last night perfectly. How he had held her in his arms. How they had danced under the stars. It all seemed like a beautiful dream. And yet it had been real. She didn't want to wake up to face the harsh reality. She just wanted to lie here forever, sleeping, dreaming of that one perfect moment.

Lucas stared at his ceiling. It seemed he had found a new way to pass his time. Staring at his ceiling. Thinking. Once not so very long ago he believed that staring at the ceiling for too long would be extremely boring. Instead he found it was oddly comforting. It was the one thing it seemed that would never chance. He remembered how he held her in his arms, he wishes he was still holding her. That he could hold her forever. He wanted to love her. And yet he also wanted to run. A small part of him, the part that was scared wanted to get away as far as possible. Scared to do or say the wrong thing. Scared to lose. Scared he wouldn't be able to do it. Scared he wouldn't be able to stand by her side.

Robbie stared a the empty glass in his hand. He didn't know what to think. He couldn't word what he was feeling. He knew that the love Luke felt for his little sister was real. He had no doubt about that. And he wanted Mattie to be happy, he truly did. But this feeling deep inside of him wouldn't leave him alone. He wasn't sure of what it was. Perhaps – jealousy? Maybe. He wanted her to be happy. And yet there was this part of him that wanted Luke to go away. He had already been robbed of two of his siblings. Soon the third would leave him to. And every second she was with Luke, was one she was not with him. Was it wrong to think this? Was it wrong to feel this? Was he being selfish? Or was this feeling perhaps normal?

She wished she could lie in her bed forever. But she knew it could not be. She had to get up eventually. Throwing the covers away she started to get up. It came so sudden that it overwhelmed her. Trying to remain calm she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It did not help. The world started to run faster and faster. A sudden pain made her double, trying to catch her breath. She had to get up. She had to get to Robbie. He would know what to do. She got up but her feet could not hold her. She fell down trying to catch get breath. She tasted something awful in her mouth. She closed her eyes.

The nausea she had been fighting overpowered her. She hoped that throwing up would help get rid of it. Instead it got worse. The room kept turning. And yet she knew she had to get up. She grabbed her bed and tried to pull herself up. So weak. She was so weak. She couldn't do it. She simply couldn't do it. She closed her eyes. And tried again. Finally she managed to get up on her feed. But she was so weak. Her legs would not be able to carry her very far. She took one step. Then another. Soon her legs gave away again. She fell on the ground. She tried to get up but she could not. The world around her started to darken. She tried to move but she couldn't. Tried to scream but she couldn't. She tried to get a hold of the happy feeling from last night. But she couldn't. Then there was only darkness.

There was a soft knock on the door. At the other side Robbie leaned against it. Contemplating whether or not he should enter. She was probably still sleeping. Last night had been tiring. He should probably walk away and let her sleep. But he was worried. He was always worried. Instead he knocked on the door again, harder this time. He could always apologize if woke her up. If something was wrong and he walked away, he would never forgive himself. Still no answer came. Softly he pushed the door open. And there she was, his little sister, lying on the floor. For a second he didn't react. Couldn't react. He fell down on his knees and desperately tried to wake her up. She would not wake. He felt himself relax when he found her pulse. He screamed.

Beth heard her son scream and for a second she couldn't move. Panic overtook her. She couldn't lose her daughter, not her little girl. Not yet, it was too soon. She wasn't ready. She knew she' never be ready, but right now she definitely wasn't. She found her son sitting on the ground with her daughter in his arms. She had to do something. Her brain didn't seem to be working. She tried to breath but even that seemed to be to difficult.

Tony was making breakfast when he heard it. Sirens. Even though he wasn't sure he could guess where they were going. From the look an both of his son's faces, he wasn't the only one who thought it. Matilda. Yesterday she had seemed fine. Happy, healthy even. But maybe it had been to much. Lucas was the first out the door, closely followed by his brother. Taking a deep breath Tony followed them. Praying to every God he knew that Matilda wouldn't die. Not yet. His son wasn't ready. Her family wasn't ready. She wasn't ready.

Robbie held his little sister in his arms. Rocking her like a baby. He had a distant memory of doing this a long time ago. But Matilda was no longer a baby. She was a beautiful young women. Who should be enjoying life. With her friends, with her boyfriend. Not lying on the floor in her room. Hanging on to life. Fighting for her life. He held her close to his heart. Praying that this wasn't the end. This couldn't be the end. A hand on his shoulder made was the first thing to get trough to him.

Looking up he met a paramedic eyes. He hadn't met this one yet. He seemed young, not much older than he was. Vaguely he wondered if he knew what he was doing. Part of him resisted the idea of letting go of his sister. And passing her over to somebody he didn't know. But he had to. He stayed sitting there in the middle of the room. On his knees. He watched as they rolled his sister out of her room. And still he did not move.

He knew his mother would go with his sister. He knew where they were taking her. He knew he should get up and call Scott. He knew he should go to the hospital. But he could not move. He could barely breath. Suddenly he felt another hand on his shoulder. He had not heard anyone coming in and yet there was somebody by his side. Jack. He kept his hand on his shoulder and said something to him. One single word. _'Breathe. Just breathe.' _

Jack had watched his little brother run out of the house and he hadn't even thought about it. He had followed him. They had arrived just as the paramedics went into the house. Beth seemed near hysterics. He watched as his dad tried to calm her down and almost succeeded. But then Matilda was rolled outside. At that moment he thought she was dead. If it had not been for the oxygen mask. He watched Beth get into the ambulance with her daughter and his dad take his brother in his arms.

It was then that he noticed that Robbie wasn't there. It seemed weird to him, since Robbie was such a caring older brother. Without really thinking about it he went in the house. Looking in several rooms he finally located Robbie. Sitting on his knees in the middle of the room. Softly he walked to him and knelt down beside him. He could tell Robbie had not hear him come in. He seemed in shock. He was having trouble breathing. In that moment you realized that Robbie perhaps had the worst role of them all.

Robbie was the stronger older brother. The one Matilda looked up to. The one who Mattie leaned on. His older brother lived in France. His older sister wasn't a great help. And his mother needed him to be strong, because she herself could not be strong. But Robbie couldn't break down. He had to stay strong or he would take everything down. You place your hand on his shoulder. Robbie needed to lean on somebody. And even though you'd just met him. Even though you didn't really know him. Even though you weren't really that great of friends, you were determined to be that person. Or at least one of them.

He looks at you as if you're a ghost. He didn't hear you come in. Still it did not matter. You want to help him. You can not say you know what he's feeling. Nor can you really imagine it. That does not mean however that you don't want to help him. Nor that you know what to do or say. You place your hand on his shoulder and noticing he's still having trouble breathing you whisper the first thing that comes to mind. _'Breath. Just breathe.'_ You watch as he starts taking deep breaths. You don't know if he'll break down and start crying. You don't know what he'll do. But you don't walk away from him. You keep your hand on his shoulder and wait for him to collect himself.

_She was back on the beach. This time she welcomed it. She welcomed the peace. She was happy that she didn't feel anymore pain. She couldn't feel anything but peace. She stared at the ocean. She watches as the waves softly crashed against the sand. She breathes easily. Suddenly she turns around. There he is, the same person as always. Only this time you recognize him instantly. Henry. She gets up and starts walking towards him…._

A soft smile played on her lips. The beach suddenly started to disappear around her. Darkness started to overpower her. She wonders if this is perhaps the end. If this is where she dies. Where it all stops. There are no sounds. There is no light. Suddenly something breaks trough the darkness and the stillness. A beeping sound. It takes you a while to recognize it. Then you know what it is. It is you heart. The darkness around you becomes lighter. And you know that this is not the end.

You open your eyes. And first you don't see much. Everything is blurry. But slowly you start to recognize where you are. The hospital. You hate the hospital. You don't want to be in the hospital. You're not alone. Somebody takes your hand and softly whispers your name. Luke.

Luke had been sitting by her side for hours. Beth and Robbie had been there to but currently Beth was talking to the doctor. Robbie went to get coffee. He had never felt so relieved as when he watched her open her eyes. _'Mattie.' 'Luke.' _He smiles softly. Surely everything would be okay now. Mattie would go home and everything would be as it was before. Softly he places a kiss on her forehead. Then he walks out of the room to go and get her family.

Not knowing that the road they were on was a long and hard one. Deniying to himself (and the world) that the path they were walking would only get worse. That Matilda would get sicker over time, not healthier. Until eventually she would die. But he couldn't, wouldn't admit that to himself. Instead he holds Mattie's hand Lying to himself the entire way.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19: Driving lessons

Matilda was convinced she was going to die. Not tomorrow, not next week. Not in a couple of months. Oh not. Right now. And it wasn't the cancer that was going to kill her. Oh no. It wasn't that. It was Robbie. Robbie Hunter, her big brother, was going to be the end of her. And all because she wanted to learn how to drive. In retrospective asking Robbie to teach her wasn't such a good idea.

It had seemed like such a good idea when she woke up this morning. She had been out of the hospital for a whole week and she wanted to live again. She understood why her family and Luke were so worried about her. But she just wanted to live. She wanted to do something. So when she glanced out of the window and saw the car an idea hit her. Why not learn how to drive?

If she hadn't seen a problem with that this morning she saw it now. Sure it had been a good idea. A great one even. But she probably should have waited for her mom to come home. Or asked Tony. Hell she could have asked Jack if she had waited. But she didn't want to wait. She wanted to get out of the house that second. And Robbie was the only one there.

And now she was going to die. She was going to die because she was stupid enough to get in the car with Robbie. Silently she sent a prayer up to heaven. She really wasn't ready to die. Robbie was trying. He really was. He just wasn't a master behind the weal. Especially since he also had to explain it to her. But she couldn't take the question back once she saw the look on his face.

He tried to explain it to her. He really did. He wanted her to understand it. He just couldn't explain it. He wasn't a mastermind. But he wanted to try. It seemed like the perfect way to spend time with her. Perhaps driving hadn't been such a good idea. Her driving the car would have probably been safer. But he hadn't seen her so happy since she came back from the hospital. And he couldn't say no to her.

They had been driving for what seemed like hours. He was still trying to teach her. But it didn't seem like she was listening to him. Not that he blamed her. He wasn't really telling her anything new or interesting. She smiled at him. He was going to miss this. In the future when she was gone he was going to miss these moments. These simple moments where she just looked at him and smiles. Smiles as if she is the happiest person on the earth. Smile as if she is in control of her life. And maybe someway, somehow, she is.

Matilda feels great. She feels happy. It's almost as if she isn't sick at all. Just spending a day out with her brother (and ok she could have probably picked a better pass time) but still. She knew the feeling wouldn't last. She knew that soon she would remember the truth. But for now they almost seemed normal. Just two kids having some fun. It almost seemed as if it was going to end well. As if nothing was going to go wrong. And then there was a kangaroo.

He didn't mean to look away from the road. He really didn't. It wasn't for more than a second. Nothing more. He smiled and looked at Matilda. And in that instant she looks ahead and suddenly her eyes got big. For a fraction of a second you thought she was feeling sick. But she wasn't. Oh no. It was far worse. 'Watch it Robbie!!!!!!!!!!!!' You see the Roo at the last minute and swerve to avoid it. To bad there was not enough road to stay on.

It was silent after you crashed the car. Almost to silent. Robbie opens his eyes and looks around. Everything seems alright. His car is just fine. He's fine. He looks around at Matilda and sees her sitting her head between her legs. She's holding onto her side pretty tightly. Fear grips your heart. For a second you think you've hurt her. That this is it. You're almost paralyzed with fear. You reach out to her and want to ask her if she's alright when you hear something. It's something you've been hearing since you opened your eyes but it hasn't really registered till now. She's laughing.

She can't believe it. She goes out to learn how to drive by her big brother. And she's driven off the road by a kangaroo. Only Robbie can manage to do that. And manage to get them trough it completely unscratched. She bends forward and starts to laugh. Uncontrollably. She just laughs. She's laughing so hard she's actually having trouble breathing. She grabs her side and immediately realizes her brother will probably get worried. But she can't seem to control herself. Nor stop laughing.

He picks up almost immediately. She's laughing. With him. He has to admit it's pretty funny. But still. He can't stop grinning though. Her laughter and happiness is contagious. And he realizes, he doesn't know how long they have left. And he can stay worried about that. Worried about her and if she's alright. And they can keep her locked in the house and try to keep her safe. But it won't help her. She's already been given a dead line (so to speak.) All they can really do is try to accept it. And grab every moment they can and live it. Laugh uncontrollably. Swim in the ocean. Just spend as much time together as they possibly can. Because not long from now those moments will be the only thing they have left. And he knows it won't be easy. But she wants to live. And he wants to remember her like this. Happy and carefree sitting in a car and laughing. Instead of locked up in a house, sitting on a couch all day.

She hears him laughing and looks up. The truth is it's been a long time since they have just done this. Hung out together. As if nothing was wrong. And sure they haven't had it easy. And they know it will end soon. There is no use in telling themselves other things. And yes she loves Luke and wants to spend every living moment with him. And in another time, in another life she might do just that. But this is her life. And she has to accept it. And right now what she wants the most is this. Happy moments with her brother. So she laughs. And he laughs to. And for now that is all they need.

They can't laugh forever. At some point they had to stop. But as he helps his little sister out of the car he can't help but smile at her. They both got out of the car crash unscratched. It's almost like a miracle. And maybe it was. But now they were faced with another problem. How were they going to get back home? Neither of them had brought their cell phone. And there was no way they could move the car back to the road. Realizing this they both started to laugh uncontrollably again.

Eventually they opted for walking. Sure he realized it probably wasn't the best idea to go walking with a sick person. But it was the only option they had. He figured he could always carry her on his back if she got to tired. For now she seemed okay though.

She smiles. She's getting a little tired but she'll be fine for a little while longer. She knows her brother is ready to carry her whenever she asks but she just wants to walk the miles she still can on her own. She looks over at her brother and realizes something. Yeah, in retrospective asking her brother to learn her how to drive hadn't been the best idea she ever had. It really hadn't been. He wasn't a great driver, and not a great teacher. In fact she was no closer to being able to drive then she had been this morning.

But asking her brother to learn her how to drive had given her something else instead. A wonderful day. Just spend together. Laughing and joking and just having fun. Just living. They had spend a great day together and she wouldn't give it back for the world.

She just knew one thing for sure though. She was never getting in a car with Robbie Hunter again.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20: Skinny dipping

Matilda Hunter couldn't stop laughing anymore. After walking for hours (alright it really wasn't hours. It just felt like it was) they finally arrived home. That's where Robbie suddenly realized that he'd left his glasses in the car. How he didn't notice this before is beyond her. But she felt really sorry for him. Because after realizing that he had to tell mom. Poor poor Robbie. But the look on his face when her mom was screaming at him was just too much. She went over the edge again. Laughing uncontrollably. It was her laughter however that probably saved Robbie from punishment.

He couldn't believe it. He really couldn't. The first thing he does today is crash the car. Then on the way home he gets lost. He didn't tell Mattie this. He didn't think she needed to know. It's not like she noticed anyway. Or at least that's what he hopes. Then he realizes his glasses are missing. And on top of all that his mom arrives home. Before he can actually figure out what he's going to tell her. He knew (though Mattie might not) that it was not the fact that he crashed her car that made her so angry. It was the fact that he brought Mattie in danger. It was the memory of another car crash not so long ago… He's just glad Mattie didn't look at it that way. When her laughter fills the room he watches his mother relax. Maybe it will al turn out alright.

Luke listened as Mattie told him what happened with Robbie. He loves seeing her so happy. So care free. So full of live. But deep inside he feels jealousy come up. She spend the day with Robbie and not with you. But you're never going to say that out loud. You're not even going to acknowledge to yourself you're feeling this. You're having trouble keeping up with Mattie though. She's walking so fast. And you don't even know where you're going. Well you're sure you'll find out soon enough.

Mattie looks around as she finally arrives where she wants to be. It's just as beautiful as Cassie told her it would be. There's nobody around anyway. You turn around and look at Luke. You don't know where you got this idea from or why you're even thinking of doing this. You hope this will make you feel more alive. You hope this will make him relax some more. You don't really care. You pull your shirt off and start to take off your trousers. This is your life. And you are going to do what you want to do.

Jack stares at the sea as he thinks of things. He thinks of his little brother being so strong. He thinks of Robbie and tries to figure out if he can do something. Say something that might help him. Martha smiles at him and he thinks he's the lucky one. And he just wishes there was something he could do for Robbie. He wishes there was something he could do for his little brother. But there is nothing he can do. Instead he smiles at Martha and captures her lips in a perfect kiss. He's happy. He just wishes he could stop feeling guilty about it.

'I can't believe this happened.' Beth sat at the kitchen table talking to Tony. It seemed like she had been doing this a lot lately. Just talking to Tony. He was a good listener. He was a good friend. He listened to her while she talked and talked about everything she had lost and he never said anything about it. Never did anything wrong. Okay right now he is laughing. If it hadn't been her sick daughter in the car, if it hadn't been for her dead son, she might have found it funny to.

'He got run off the road by a kangaroo?' 'That is not the point. The point is he brought Matilda in danger.' Tony sighs and looks at Beth. He gets where she's coming from he does. He wishes there was someway he could help but there is not. 'But she didn't get hurt. It's not like he was trying to either. He was trying to help her. And from the sound of it they had a great day.' She just looks at him. So beautiful. So broken. She has been trough so much, but she still looks strong. Before he knows what he's doing. Before he can really think about it he leans forward and kisses her.

Luke froze. He couldn't believe this was happening to him. Mattie, his girlfriend, was stripping naked in front of him. And he didn't understand why. Nor did he know what to do now. Should he look? Should he not? Did she want him to? He turned bright red and turned around. 'What the hell are you doing?' 'Taking my clothes off. I thought that was obvious.' She laughs a little. You can't believe she is doing this to you. 'No I mean why?' 'Number 14.' 'What's number 14?'

She smiles at the look on his face. Frozen in astonishment. He wasn't expecting this. Not that you wanted him to. The look on his face is so cute though. He turns around but you don't care. 'Number 14. Go skinny dipping.' Finally being released of all your clothes you jump in the water. You turn back to where you came from and he's still standing there. With his back to you. 'Aren't you coming?' 'No. I'm fine right here.' You smile. 'Come on Please? Pretty please?' He just shakes his head. You'll convince him somehow. You just don't really know how.

Robbie sat on the beach. Just staring at the ocean. Watching as the waves softly hit the sand. It was almost hypnotizing. His mind was racing a hundred miles per hour. Thoughts kept going round and round in his head. Scenarios of what could have happened keep coming up. He takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself down. But he can't. Thoughts of what could have happened, of what will happen someday run trough his mind. And all he feels right now is a paralyzing fear. Fear of what could have happened. Fear of what is to come.

Tasha sits down next to Robbie. She doesn't say a word. She knows that there is nothing to say. She can't say anything that could make things easier for him. Nor can she help Matilda in anyway. She doesn't know what the right thing is to say. She doesn't know if there is a right thing to say. The only thing she can do is sit next to him. Take him in her arms and just be with him. By his side. It's all she can do. And she hopes it is enough. Somehow it is. But somehow it also isn't. He needs more. But she can't give him more. The only thing she can do is sit next to him on the beach. Watching as the waves softly hit the sand.

He couldn't believe he was actually doing this. If his brother Jack ever found out he was dead. He would never be able to live this down. The teasing would be horrible. Nevertheless he strips naked and jumps in the water behind him. It's freezing. She splatters water at him and just smiles innocently. She's going to pay for this.

And together they play in the water. Spending the most relaxed time together. There is no thinking about protecting Matilda. Nor being careful. There is no trying to make everything perfect. Nor the thought in the background of what could happen. There is just the two of them. Having the time of their life.

And it almost seems as if time will stop. As if the moment will go on forever and never end. As if the two of you will stay in the water forever. Just being happy.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21 : Fly away

Sometimes she wishes she could make time stop. Or at least slow down. Slow down enough for her to catch up. For her to do everything she has ever wanted to do. For her to live through the motions. For her to have a live. But time doesn't slow down for anyone. It just keeps going and never stops. Never slows down. Before you realize it time has passed. Months have passed. You wish you could stop it or at least slow it down. You can't.

It's been months. Truth be told you wouldn't change what you have been trough for anything. You're time with your friends. Your dates with Luke. The funny times you had with your brother. But slowly you are losing focus. You are losing strength. You try to keep it hidden. You don't want to be locked up. Kept in bed so that you might live longer. You won't live longer. But for the time you have left, you want to live. You're just so tired.

It was Scott's idea really. He proposed that a holiday is exactly what the family needed. And since he was in France, and she has always wanted to see France, why not meet him there? It was a simple request really. And in another time, another place, _another life,_ she might not have thought of it twice. But she heard the question (the one that was not said out loud) and she knew what he truly wanted. They didn't know how long they had left. And Scott wanted to see his little sister again one more time.

And now here they are. Walking around in Paris. She puts a smile on her face and grabs a hold of Luke's hand. And smiles. She doesn't know how convincing she is anymore. The strength is slowly disappearing, and if someone will see it it will be Luke. Or Robbie. That's what she always thought. Instead the person to notice it was Scott.

She hadn't seen him in months. Not since Henry's funeral. It had been such a long time. She was different. She hadn't really noticed it, her family hadn't really noticed it. It had happened so slowly. But for Scott, who hadn't seen her in so long, the change was big. She was much thinner then she used to be. She was pale and she looked like she could faint at any moment. Her eyes had lost their live. And as he looked to her he could almost see her giving up. The only time he sees the light fully return is when she looks at Luke.

Scott sees her for the first time in moths when she gets off the plain. He is immediately taken aback from how she looks. So thin (she must have lost at least half her weight) and so pale. He just wants to rush to her, gather her in his arms and never let her go again. Never let her out of his sight again. He's afraid if he will she will break. Fall to the ground, shatter and disappear. But he doesn't. He's to afraid that if he does that he will break her. He looks at her and he knows. Even if they make plans for him to come and visit them, even if they make plans for her to return. It won't matter. This holiday right here, will be the last time he sees his little sister. He doesn't tell his mom nor his brother. He doesn't tell Matilda either. He just can't do it.

Matilda looks at the people below her. They almost seem like ants from way up here. She has always wanted to see the Eiffel tower. Stand as high as she possibly could. And look down below at the world. Stand on top of the world. But now as she stands here she feels disconnected. It's almost as if she's looking at her future. She stands up high and looks down below. And somehow she feels no connection to the people there. As if they live in different worlds. As if she doesn't really belong here. She just passing trough. And in a way she is.

She looks at the bird that has landed close to her. It looks so small, so insignificant. But it isn't. The bird has one thing she does not have. The one thing she longs for the most. Freedom. Sure the bird lands here and rest but eventually it will fly away. It will go wherever it wants to go. It is free to do what it wants. She wishes she had that. The freedom to do whatever she wanted. But she doesn't.

Her eyes wander to the sky. And she wishes she could fly. Fly away from her pain. Fly away from everything that has happened in her life. Fly as free as a bird. Fly up as high as she possibly can and look down at the earth. Fly and feel nothing. No pain, no longing, no regret. No fear of what is to come. She just wants to escape it all. And flying seems to be the only way. She wishes she could do it. Fly up high in the sky and feel nothing. Fly away from it all. Be free just like a bird. Fly away and never return to this empty life.

In a way she realizes that one day she will. One day _– a day that will come far to soon - _ she will fly away. She will spread her wings and fly away. Up in the sky as highs as she can. And she will look down upon earth. At the people she has left behind. And she wonders if there she will find the peace she so longs for. If there she will find happiness. If she will feel no more pain. No more fear. No more anger. If she will finally be able to rest there.

Matilda Hunter wishes she could fly. Fly high in the sky just like a bird. Free of any burden. Free to do whatever she wants. But as she watches the bird sitting close to her a realization suddenly strikes her. Birds are not as free as they may appear. Sure they fly away when they want, go where they want. But they always return to earth. They always come back. And she wonders if, when she finally flies away, she will return as well. She wonders if Henry is close to her.

She feels two strong arms around her. And instantly she knows it is Luke. She knows when he is close to her. She feels comfortable in his arms. Safe. Protected. When he holds her, when he kisses her. When he is with her. It's almost as if the pain disappear. For a while she can forget how tired she is. For a while she doesn't have to fight. For a while, thanks to him, she is strong. She can hang on a little longer. She wonders if this is what love is. She wonders if she had a chance to live, they would love each other forever. Or will they're love only last forever because it didn't last? Could she really ask this of him? To suffer forever for a love that might not have lasted the years? But it was to late now. There was no turning back. She has made her choice, and she is to selfish to give him up now. In a way she feels that she disserves to be selfish. She deserves this piece of life. She deserves to be loved. Even if in the end it will end up destroying him, it is not like she asked for this. It is not like she wanted this. Does this make her a bad person? Or does it just make her human?

She looks at the bird and for a second it looks at her. Then it flies away. She stares after it as it rises up in the sky and disappears through the clouds. And she wishes she could follow it. Just jump up and fly away. Fly away from her pain. Fly away from it all. But she can't. It's not her time to fly. Not just yet. She still has life left in her. She still has a little bit of time. She doesn't know how long she has left. Nor does she think it will last much longer. Still it's not her time. So she stares at the point where the bird disappeared and sighs. It's not her time to fly. But oh how she wishes she could.

When they leave two weeks later it's almost as if it's already over. Scott hugs everybody and forces a smile as he reaches her. He holds her a little longer than he usually would have. And kisses her on the top of her head. The last time he did that was when she was a younger child. They lock eyes and in that instant they both know. This is the last time they will see each other. It doesn't matter how many plans they make. It doesn't matter how hard they try. She is running out of time. Out of strength. And he has seen it. She won't make it until Christmas. Tears appear in her eyes but he wipes them away instantly.

Scott doesn't know what he's going to do. How he is going to say goodbye. He has spend as much time with her over these two weeks as he possibly can. But he knew it wouldn't last forever. The time would eventually run out. It's the thing he hates the most. Time it doesn't slow down long enough for them to catch up. It just keeps running on, almost mocking them. He takes a deep breath and tries he really tries. But as they reach their end, as the time comes to say goodbye, he finds it's harder then he thought it would be. He holds her longer then he ever thought he could. And gives her a soft kiss on the top of her head. Their eyes lock and he knows, she knows. This is it. Their final goodbye. He sees it in her eyes. Their time is running out. Her eyes fill with tears but he wipes them away. She should not cry. He doesn't want her upset. He wants her happy. For the time she has left. So he fights his own tears and smiles weakly at her. She almost smiles back.

He watches as his family makes their way through the crowd. She knows that as soon as they pass custom they will be gone from his view. She turns around one last time and their eyes lock again. He smiles faintly. She smiles back. She puts her hand up and waves as he blows a kiss at her. Then she turns around and slowly walks away. And he knows. As the tears roll down his cheeks, he simply knows. It's the last time he will ever see his little sister alive.

Matilda looks out the window at the land below. They're climbing higher and higher. The tears she didn't shed before, escape from her eyes. And as she watches the land below her become smaller, her thoughts go back to the free bird. And again she wishes she could simply fly away.

But it's not her time. Not yet.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 21 : Forever love

He has never truly thought about time. Sure sometimes he wishes time would go faster (like in a really boring class) or slower (when he's doing something fun) but he's never really thought about. Lately it's all he can do. It's all he can think of. How much time she might have left. How much time they have left. Everyday he wakes up with this fear. That she has run out of time. That it will all soon be over. He know it is coming. He knows it is inevitable. He wishes he could slow time down. Make it stop altogether. Give her more time to live. But he can't. And he hates everything.

He's never really wanted to see France. It's just another city to him. It's not very important. But when she tells him they are going to France. And when he sees her eyes light up and the smile on her face he smiles to. Sure he might never have wanted to see Paris. But she wants to see it. And he would do anything for her. To make her happy. Absolutely everything. He holds her in his arms and he feels complete. He feels loved. He wants to protect her from everything. And the thought that he can't, that he really can't, hurts him more than he'll ever admit. And he wonders if this is what love feels like. And he wonders if he will have the time to really find out.

Jack watches from a distance. He wishes he could take the pain away from Matilda but he can't. He wises he could help his little brother but he can't do that either. He can stand by Robbie's side and listen to him, but there's really nothing he can do or say. He can't help them. He can't save her. He can't give them the time they need. He wishes he could. That he could do anything at all to help them, no matter how small it is. But he really can't. All he can do is watch from a distance. As the people he loves the most crumble in front of him. As they break in pieces and there is nothing he can do to stop it. All he can do is watch.

He looks at her as she stands there. Looking at the ground below her. He wants to get closer to her. Gather her in his arms and never let her go again. But he can't move. You see Lucas Holden is afraid of heights. And Currently he is standing on the Eiffel tower. And the only reason he is standing there is because Matilda wanted it so much. So here he stands. And he watches her. He doesn't know what she's thinking about as she stares at a bird. For a second he wants to ask her _' penny for your thoughts?' _ But he doesn't. He doesn't ask her because he's to afraid of what she will answer. He's to afraid to hear the truth from her lips. That's she's scared. That's she's in pain. That they're fighting a battle they already know they'll lose. That there's absolutely nothing they can do to save her. That the ending is already set in stone. That time is all they have left.

He swallows deeply and walks to her. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her closer to him. He places a soft kiss on her hair and closes his eyes. And lets his minds wonder. What if they had more time? What if this didn't hang over their heads. Would they be happier? Would they love each other forever? Or would time eventually break them apart, as happens so many times with your first love? Would he be forever doubting what could have been? What might have been? Or will he eventually forget her, like you're always forgetting. He closes his eyes and admits the harsh reality. He'll never know the answer to those questions. And he's scared. And he's ashamed to admit that he doesn't know what to do. Sometimes he wants to run. Run away as far as he can from this pain. From this agony.

Sometimes he just wants to turn around. Run away. He doesn't want to be living this live. He doesn't want to feel this. He's to afraid of what will come. But every time he almost runs he looks into her eyes and he realizes. No matter how scared he is, no matter in how much pain he is Mattie has it worse. He can't leave her behind. He loves her to much. And he wants to give her happiness for a few months. He wants to be with her. Because when she's gone, these moments will be all he has left. And he can't leave them. Because if he does, he will never forgive himself. The pain will be greater then staying by her side.

That same night they are walking in the streets of Paris. And they are met by a beautiful sight. The lights of the fountain in front of the Eiffel tower have to be one of the most beautiful things ever. The stars above them shine. And as he looks at her he knows he will remember this moment forever. He will never forget how happy she looked right there and then. How care free. How innocent. She looked just like a normal teenage girl in that moment. And he will never forget it. And for as long as he lives he will love her forever.

Jack sees it as well. He sees things nobody else sees. Because it's the only thing he can do. Watch from the outside as everything crumbles. He sees her losing the fight. He sees how scared his little brother is. He sees how much pain she's in. How much pain they're all in. And he watches. And in that moment as they're about to leave it strikes him. As he watches Scott hold Matilda close to him he knows. They are running out of time. Scott and Matilda will never meet again. He doesn't say it out loud. And he never lets anybody know but in that instant he knows she is running out of time. She doesn't have much strength left. He can't really explain why it strikes him in that moment. Or why she is so sure. Only that he is. But there is nothing he can do. So he keeps quiet. He keeps quiet and keeps watching the ones he loves, slowly fade away.

Luke is not sure how long they sat on the plane. The only thing he really knows is how tired he is. A plane is not a good place to sleep. He looks at Mattie and sees how tired she is. And he almost wants to carry her. But he doesn't. She turns around and gives him a small smile. They walk towards they're suitcases. That's when she looks at him and whispers 'I love you.' Before he can respond or do anything at all she crumbles and falls. He catches her just before she hits the ground.

And he prays to God that this isn't the end.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23 : The second scare

_The waves softly hit the sand. She sits there watching. She's sure there's something different. The world around her has changed. It's lighter then the other times she stood here. And she watches the waves hit the sand. And she's sure she is supposed to know what will come next. She's sure. But she does not. Instead she watches the waves. Calming her down. She turns around suddenly. Knowing what comes next. In the distance, in the far distance she can see Henry. And she wants to go to him. Hug him and never let go again. She's sure that if she runs she will be able to catch up with him. Her feet however won't listen to her. And she swears she hears his voice whisper 'Don't worry. Not your time yet.' The whole world brightens and the light swallows her whole…._

In the end Jack is not really sure what exactly happened. All he knows that one second everything is alright and the next Matilda is going down. And he wishes he could do something. He wishes he could wake Matilda up. He wishes he could take over his little brother's pain. His little brother's fears. Wishes he could look him in the eye and say 'Don't worry. Everything will be alright.' But he can't say it. Because he doesn't know if it will be. And he can't look his little brother in the eye and lie to him. He can't save Matilda. He can't save anybody. The only thing he can do is sit there and hold Lucas's hand. Because in the end it's not his fight. And it's not his choice. And as he feels Martha place her head on his shoulder he realizes how lucky he really is. But as his eyes drift to Luke again he wants to give it to him. He would gladly exchange his story for his little brother's. He would gladly take over his pain. But he can't. He can only watch.

Scott Hunter knew this would happen. He's known for years it could happen, but he now he knew. He knew it the second his little sister walked trough those doors. She was not going to be alright. Nobody could help her. He could not help her. And he wishes he had said something to her. Something that would have made the goodbye more memorable. But he couldn't think of anything. Now as he sits in his apartment and stares at the phone all he does is pray. Pray that it's not the end just yet. Pray that somehow Mattie will find the strength to fight through this as well. Pray that somehow she will have more time. And pray that she will beat the odds. Pray that he was wrong and she will somehow make it till Christmas. He stares at the phone and waits. His eyes flash to the clock and he watches as another agonizing minute ticks away.

Natasha Andrews has never been one for words. She was simply not brought up that way. Sure she tries to say the right thing. But she always ends up making things worse. She's not one for words. She is however one for action. She is the one that will hold their hands. And she is the one everybody counts on. To come up with a plan. To somehow make things better. She always manages to plant a smile on Robbie's face. But as she sees him sitting there _– on the floor with his head between his legs. As if trying to hide from it all. – _She knows there is nothing she can do for him. For any of them. There are no amount of jokes, there is no amount of money that could make this better. The only thing she can do is sink down on the floor next to him. Wrap her arms around him and pull him closer to her. And hope. Hope that this isn't the end. Hope that Mattie will pull through. Hope that somehow she is strong enough so that she can keep both herself and Robbie standing.

Martha feels like an outsider. An outsider intruding in a family's grieve. She doesn't really belong here. Sure Robbie and Tasha are her best friends. And Jack's her boyfriend. But she's not really part of this story. Yet she sits here anyway. She's no part of the story, yet she does feel their pain. And she wishes she could help. Change things somehow. But she can't. She sits next to Jack and places her head on his shoulder. And she knows she is the lucky one. In a way. Her eyes meet Tasha's and she knows they're both lost. Neither on of them knows what to do. All they can do is sit. Sit and wait for the inevitable. For if it will not happen today it will happen soon. And the knowledge weighs heavily on her heart. But she doesn't say a thing. And just sits there.

Luke thought his heart would stop. The second she went down and fell in his arms. Part of him wonders if she didn't know what was coming. If she hadn't known she was losing. She came up to him and said I love you. And he remembers a distant memory. A recollection of a moment. A moment of a life lived so long ago. A life that somehow he feels was lived by someone else. _'Never leave without saying I love you.' _And he hopes she isn't leaving him. He's not ready for her not to be there. He's not ready for her to give up. He's not ready to lose the thing he loves more than life itself. He's not ready to make it in this world on his own. He's not ready to lose her. And most of all he's not ready for her to go away. Because if she leaves now he will not have said it. She will disappear without having heard him say 'I love you to.'

_The light fades away and she is surrounded by darkness. And she wonders if this is it. The end. If her life is now over. If she can finally stop fighting, stop hurting. The darkness is silent and all consuming. And she realizes she doesn't want it to be the end. She wants to live just a bit longer. She is not ready to die just yet. Suddenly she realizes the darkness is not so silent after all. She's been hearing sounds all along, but she hasn't registered them till know. Distant voices she can't recognize. And a steady beating. A steady heartbeat. She runs trough the darkness desperately trying to make it towards the sound…_

Her eyes flicker open. She closes them almost immediately. The light was to shiny. To powerful. It reminded her of another light. She didn't want to think about that now. The pain in her head becomes almost unbearable. As she forces her eyes open again. At first she doesn't recognize anybody. The women standing next to her bed is not familiar. But as her eyes focus more she realizes that at the other side her mother sits. She tries to smile, but she doesn't know if she managed it. She doesn't know if it matters either. Behind your mom stands Luke. His eyes are red from all the crying and he smiles as he realizes you're awake. You're eyes meet and you open your mouth to say something to him. Anything at all. But no sound ever leaves your mouth. You close your eyes again in an attempt to gather strength. But slowly you find your drifting off into unconsciousness again. 'It's okay honey go to sleep.' Your mom softly kisses your forehead. In the far distance before you're completely gone you hear Luke's voice. 'I love you to.'

She not ready to fly away just yet. Heaven would have to wait just a bit longer. So would Henry. It's not her time just yet.

She still has things to do.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24: The best laid plans

In the end it had been Robbie's idea. Which came as no surprise. Despite what people may think Robbie rarely had stupid ideas. Most of his ideas were actually pretty smart. The most stupid idea he had ever had was perhaps the time he went running in the woods around the school with Tasha. Completely nude. But nevertheless he rarely had stupid ideas. It was in the execution of those ideas that it often _(Alright most of the time.) _went wrong. Just like it did today. Still it had been a good idea when he thought of it. Perhaps he should have just asked for help.

Ever since his sister had returned home from the hospital he could see that she was different. Tired. She didn't have the same light she had before. It was as if she was already giving up the fight. And the truth was he couldn't really blame her. She was tired. So tired. He just wanted to make her smile. Make her forget even for a second what was happening. But she barely left her room. She had only left the hospital a couple of days ago he reminded himself it was normal. But she wouldn't even get out of her bed for Luke. He visited her in room instead. He wanted to make her smile. But it had to be something she wouldn't have to get up for. He sat up suddenly. A smile spread across his face as an idea formed in his head. Yeah this could definitely work.

And that is how and why Robbie found himself standing in the kitchen. He had never in his life cooked something. His mother had never let him close to the kitchen before. It was not that Robbie would be bad at cooking. It's just that accidents always seemed to happen when he tried something. But for now he was forgetting all of that and focusing on his plan. _(When he thinks about this later he will know that his mother was right.) _Instead he started to work silently. His sister had always wanted to have breakfast in bed. But his mother had never allowed it. It wasn't much (he knew that) but it was the only thing that occurred to him. And he would be damned if he wouldn't make her smile. At least for a while.

Matilda couldn't really remember her dreams anymore. Which she thought was a good thing. She still couldn't forget the dream –_ had it been a dream? Was it perhaps something else? – _about the beach. And Henry. Her Henry. But since that night she had not dreamed about that at all. Or if she had she could not remember it. He had told her it wasn't her time yet. But if those dreams were a clear indication of what was to come her time would come soon. Every time she had that dream she got closer and closer to Henry. And she knew that when she finally reached him it would be all over. Sometimes she didn't think that would be so bad. She didn't want to die. She didn't want to leave the people she loved behind. But she was so tired. This was not a life. And if it was it was not the one she wanted to live.

Robbie looked around the kitchen trying to decide what he was going to do first. He wanted to make her a lovely breakfast. He wanted her to smile at him. But he had no idea where to begin. Maybe he should get his mom… He dismissed the idea it came up. No he would do this himself. He could do it. He walked to the refrigerator and started pulling stuff out. He still had no idea what he was going to make for her. But he knew he had to start somewhere. With a smile on his face he started to work. The fact that he had no idea what he was doing didn't bother him. Nor did it ever occur to him it might go all wrong.

Matilda stared at the pages of the book. She had no idea why she had decided to read. Only that she wanted to do something and since she still had a couple of books she wanted to read (needed to read before she couldn't anymore) reading seemed to be the best option. She was in the middle of Pride and prejudice. But she wasn't getting very far. It's just that she was so tired. She couldn't really concentrate. Her mind kept wondering of. She thought of Henry on the beach. To Robbie's face when he saw she was awake. She thought of the look in Scott's eyes when they said goodbye. She thought of Luke's warm embrace and his whispered 'I love you to.' The book was in fact soon forgotten.

The sudden ringing of the phone caused Robbie to jump. He had been lost in his thoughts. Perhaps he should be paying more attention to what he was doing. Still deep in thoughts he picked up the phone. 'Robbie Hunter.' Nothing. Absolute silence at the other side of the line. There was no dial tone either so he knew there was someone there. His first thought was to hang up. But then his mind started to work and it dawned on him that he knew who it was. He whispered softly into the phone as not to wake anybody. 'Kit?' Silence. Then just when he thought he might be mistaken came the soft reply. 'Robbie.' Nothing more. No questions no nothing. But she didn't need to say anything he knew why she was calling. 'She's okay. Tired but okay. Kit I think you should come home. She doesn't have much time left.' Again silence. A long silence. Eventually she did say something. 'I'll come. Don't tell her. Bye.' He heard the soft click of the phone and knew the conversation had ended. Still he stayed there with the phone at his ear. As if he could still hear her talk to him. When he finally realized she wouldn't anymore he hung up. Slowly he made his way back to the kitchen. All the time realizing that that conversation he just had with his older sister was the longest he had had with her since Henry died. And he had a feeling that when Matilda died his big sister would disappear as well. As if she never existed at all.

Still after taking a deep breath he banned those sad thoughts from his mind. He remembered her promise of coming and he knew she would come. She would come because Matilda would want to see her. She would come to say goodbye and then she would disappear again. But for now he focused on the task ahead of him. The making of breakfast. For most people this would be easy. For Robbie it proved to be a challenge. He was easily distracted. And admittedly the phone call was no great help. Not that anything would have made it better at all.

Mattie was staring at the book in her hands. Trying to distract herself from her thoughts. She had heard the phone ring but she had not heard anything since. She had thought that maybe it was Luke or Cassie but since Robbie had made no move towards her room she assumed it was somebody else. Realizing she would never be able to focus on the book she closed it and looked around her room. Her eyes rested on a picture taken years ago. When everything had still been alright. When Henry had been alive and Kit had been here. Kit… She sighed as she wondered if she would ever see her sister again. Tears glistered in her eyes and threatened to escape her eyes. Then suddenly she heard a loud crash followed by a smaller explosion and Robbie's loud cursing. Immediately she sat up in her bed. Wondering what the hell her brother had done this time.

Beth was sitting on her bed staring at the window. Trying to gather her strength for yet another day. Lately she had been feeling a lot better. A lot stronger. And if she's honest with herself she knows that that has everything to do with Tony. She never thought somebody could evoke so much emotion in her again. But now she found herself sitting here. Silently wondering why this had happened. Why the world was so cruel to her. What she could have possible done to end up losing her children one by one. Suddenly she stiffened as she smelled something burning. Followed by a loud crash and a small explosion. Then Robbie cursed. Loudly. Startled she jumped up and ran to the door.

Robbie doesn't know how it happened. He really doesn't. He thought everything was going well. He was making eggs. Making toast and warming up milk. But then he had probably made a very stupid mistake. You see still distracted by the phone call he had forgotten one thing. When you put a pan on the fire it usually gets very hot. So when he picked it up with his bare hands a sudden pain hit him causing him to drop the pan. The milk (which was hot now) then washed over his feet. Causing even more pain. Cursing loudly he jumped up. Then there was a small explosion.

In the end nothing mayor really happened. Robbie didn't need to see a doctor or go to the hospital. It was more the shock then anything else. The breakfast was lost. After having dropped the milk the eggs had caught on fire causing a small fire in their kitchen. And the toast? Well Robbie had somehow (though he doesn't know how he did this one himself) managed to blow up the toaster. At first he was highly disappointed. After all this were his sincere efforts to make Mattie feel better. But as soon as the shock of what happened wore off he looked up to find Matilda doubled over in laughter. His mother coulndn't contain her laughter as well. So in the end it had worked out well. Though admittedly not how he had intended it to. The best laid plans…

They ended up calling Tony to ask if he could get breakfast for them. Matilda did end up having her breakfast in bed. And after recovering from her laughter Beth forbade Robbie from ever stepping foot in the kitchen again.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 24: Wishes

Natasha Andrews had never really thought about doing something like this. And if it had been up to her she wouldn't have. But she just felt so hopeless. As the days passed by Matilda grew more tired and Robbie smiled less every day. And there was nothing she could do. She had all the money her parents had left her and yet she could do nothing to help them. Nothing to save her. So when Mattie told her about the list she didn't even think about it. She would have given Matilda all of her money to accomplish everything on it. But she knew they'd never accept it. Instead she focused on the things she could accomplish. If only to give her a little more strength. Which is why she found herself in the position she was in now.

Lucas, being afraid of heights, could not help her with this. Though he would have done it if he was asked. It just seemed wrong to do it. And putting Robbie in a hot-air balloon was just asking for trouble. None of her friends wanted to do it. And that is why Natasha found herself high above the ground. Higher then she ever wanted to be. As she looked at the earth below she wished she had never gotten herself into this. But the look on Matilda's face takes all her doubts away. There was not much that could be done for her. But if she Natasha Andrews had to spend a couple of hours in fear (okay absolute terror) to make her smile, then she would do it. Because Mattie was Robbie's little sister. And you loved her. And because it is the only thing she can do for her.

Matilda was flying. Alright it wasn't exactly flying. Still she found herself high in the sky. And for a moment, when she closes her eyes, she feels free. Just like a bird. As if she can go wherever she'd like. For a moment she wished Luke was there with her. But she had seen the fear in his eyes and had refrained from asking him. And after she had seen what he had done to a simple breakfast letting Robbie come with her was just out of the question. Knowing Robbie he'd find a way to accidently crash them somewhere in the middle of nowhere or something. She was glad that Tasha had offered to come with her. She didn't want to go alone. She closed her eyes and let the wind blow through her hair. And for the first time in weeks she felt completely at peace.

Robbie shook his head as Jack shook with laughter. His mom (and Matilda of course) had told everybody about what was now being called 'the breakfast incident'. He was glad he had made Matilda laugh. The only problem was that now Jack burst into laughter every time he laid eyes on him. Actually everybody started to laugh as soon as they saw him. You would think that after so many things that happened to him they would get used to it. Though as he turned his eyes back to the sky he had to admit. It was pretty funny. He still had no idea how exactly it happened though. Not that it really mattered. As his eyes search the sky he realizes he can't find his little sister anymore. He takes a deep breath as he tries to calm himself down. He was afraid that if he took his eyes of her for a second she would slip away. Fade away from him without a change to say goodbye to her. Disappear like she never existed at all.

Jack stopped laughing when he saw Robbie struggling for breath. He wished there was something he could do. But there was nothing. He was bound to stand on the outsides for this entire event. He couldn't help them. He couldn't save Matilda. All he could do was watch everybody around him go down. He takes a step forward and places a hand on Robbie's shoulder. The only thing he could do was stand by his side. Offer him a shoulder to lean on. And just stand there. Because it's the only thing he can do. That and laugh at the ridiculous things he does.

Beth was sure the phone would ring any moment. She was afraid to do anything when Matilda wasn't by her side. She couldn't leave the house. She was afraid that if she would go away she would miss a call from Matilda. She supposed that the only good thing about that day was that Robbie wasn't in the hot-air balloon. She looks up as the door opens. A soft smile appears on her face when she sees it's Tony. At least she wasn't alone anymore. Tony smiles as he walks through her door. He hasn't dated anyone since his wife died. Well that's not entirely truth. He tried dating other people, Jack didn't like it. Let's just say he was a rebellious teen and leave it at that. Still he's sure that now that he's grown up he can accept things. He just needs to find the right moment to tell him. In the mean time they will just have to keep it quiet for a while. He walks to her and captures her lips in a kiss. (Thinking about it later he realizes that kissing her in the middle of her kitchen , where any of his or her children can walk in at anytime was not such a good idea.)

Jack needed to talk to his dad. He needed some advise. Someone to tell him what to do. What he could do to help the people around him. Somebody to listen to him. Robbie already had enough problems. And while he was sure that Martha would listen and guide him what he really needed was his dad. Since he couldn't find him at his house he figured he would try the Hunter's. After all Beth and Tony seemed to have developed a strong friendship. As he looks through the window he sees them kissing. His first reaction is to yell at his father. He has never liked the idea of him dating other women (as he made very clear years ago) and really he would have liked a little bit of warning before seeing that. But as he makes to walk to the front door something stops him. They look happy. Even through all the pain they have been going trough they look so happy. And after everything she has been trough Beth deserves some happiness. And his father has been alone all these years. So even though he doesn't really like what he's seeing (and he's not sure he'll ever truly accept it) he turns around and walks away.

To soon the flight had to end. Though by the look on Tasha's face it really wasn't soon enough. Matilda would have loved to stay up there longer. She would have loved to spend more time flying in the clouds. Among the birds. Still as they land softly on the ground and she catches Luke's eyes she is suddenly very happy she is back on earth. She smiles and practically runs in his open arms. He smiles and holds her close to him. As if to prove to her he'll never let her go. To bad he will eventually have to do just that.

Luke was glad when the flight ended. Not that he didn't want Matilda to accomplish the things she wanted to do. It's just that he wanted to be close to her. He just really couldn't get in a hot-air balloon. She looks tired. Always so tired. He's surprised she can even get out of bed. Though he must admit that she seems stronger than she looks. He just hopes it will last. He smiles as she runs towards him. He holds her close to him. As if by holding her close he'll be able to hold onto her forever. As if by holding her close he will never have to let her go. If only it worked that way.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26 : simple fun

It had been Cassie's idea. She thought that spending some time with her friends was exactly what Matilda needed. That and she wanted to spend one day with her best friend. Afraid that every moment would be the last. She however had just wanted to spend the day at the caravan park. Maybe watch some movies. It turned out the boys had other ideas. The idea to play truth and dare had come from them. So had the idea of a bonfire on the beach (though it would have to a very small one). It wasn't really truth and dare. Just dare. Of course they would never dream of making Matilda do something that would make her more tired. Still it seemed like a good idea.

And that's why Matilda ended up seeing things she never thought she'd see. Things she never wanted to see. One of them would be Ric in a dress. With make up on. She couldn't stop laughing. The look on his face when Luke dared him. Cassie calling him a coward for not wanting to do it. Him wanting to prove her wrong. But what really made her laugh uncontrollably was the look on Mr. Stewarts face when he saw his grandson standing there. It really was a comical sight (it took them a couple of days to convince both him and Colleen that Ric was in fact not gay.) Still it was hilarious. She was thankful to whoever had come up with this idea. She really needed to spend some time with her friends.

Luke couldn't believe he was going to do this. He knew that Ric would get him back for the dress thing. But this was really to much. Covering his brother's police car with toilet paper? How did he even come up with this idea. If it hadn't been for Matilda pleading him to do it he wouldn't have done it. Which is why he currently found himself hiding in the bushes. Watching as his brother looked shocked at the car. He had to admit this probably had never happened in Summer Bay before. But then his brother completely surprised him by simply taking some toilet paper of the windshield and driving away. Okay now that had definitely never happened in Summer Bay. He could see the others doubled over in laugher. He was so going to get Ric back for this.

Cassie stood in the store staring at the stuff in her hands. Really when she had been dared to go and buy all the condoms in the store it hadn't seemed so bad. Until she found out who worked there. Why Colleen was working in the story was beyond her. Still she now found herself having to buy condoms from Colleen. If she would do that the entire town would now about it before she had gotten home. This was hell. How had Matilda even been able to come up with this? How had she even known Colleen would be here? When had Matilda turned against her? But she had to do it. She would never be able to live trough the teasing if she didn't. Then again if Colleen told Flynn and Sally she might not be able to live trough it at all. In the end teasing from her boyfriend and friends seemed less scary then an angry Flynn and Sally. Especially if you threw in Mr. Stewart as well.

Matilda really didn't know what to expect. She knew Cassie would never make her do something that would potentially hurt her. But she knew that Cassie wasn't happy about the whole condom thing. In all honesty she really hadn't known that Colleen would be there. It had just been the first thing she thought off. Still now she found herself standing in a full diner. About to sing a song. When she had written down on her list years ago that she wanted to sing a song in public this hadn't really been what she had in mind. Still if it was the only way to accomplish it. It's just that she got stage fright. But then again a table in a diner wasn't really a stage now was it? She knew that nothing would happen. Neither one of the boys would ever let her fall.

Jack had been deep in thought when he walked to his car that morning. He couldn't forget Tony and Beth kissing. It's not that he didn't want his father to be happy, he did. And it's not like Beth was a bad person, or that she didn't deserve all the happiness in the world. Because she did. It's just that he couldn't stop thinking about his mom. He guesses he's afraid that if Beth and Tony get married or something he will slowly forget about her. It's ridiculous he knows. Still he can't stop thinking about it that way. That and the fact that one of the clearest images he has of his mom is standing in the kitchen kissing his dad. He stops dead in his tracks when he sees the car. Damn those teenagers. He looks around for a second and then his eyes fall on Matilda, Cassie and Ric. And he knows. They have something to do with this. And since the only one missing was his little brother… oh he was so dead. Then however he saw Mattie laughing and he softened. Alright it was just a stupid prank. Still deep in thought he simply took the paper of his windshield and drove away. This definitely had to be the weirdest sight ever in Summer Bay.

Matilda felt her knees shaking. Really she could climb the Eiffel tower, fly in a hot-air balloon, go skinny-dipping. But she couldn't sing a song in public. This was ridiculous. Nevertheless she climbed on the table. And before she really had time to think she started to sing. She was sure that her face was tomato red. Still she didn't stop. When she finally finished she took a deep breath and jumped of the table. (Bad idea Mattie. You're not strong enough for that.) Still she didn't let it show that she had hurt herself a little. Instead she smiled as the boys and everybody else in the diner started to clap.

Robbie was going trough his stuff. He did not know why but he had decided to clean up his room. Maybe it was because he simply needed to do something. Or because his room had become so messy he couldn't find anything in it anymore. Or it was because it would keep his mind occupied while Mattie was out. It didn't really matter. It took most of the day but he had finally finished. Now he was sitting on his bed. An old photo book in his hands. Pictures from when they were children. From when they were happy. Happy and whole. Tears glistered in his eyes. They would never be like that again. When this all ended he would be the only one here.

They were sitting on the beach. They couldn't get a fire started but it didn't really matter. Mattie was looking at the sea. Watching as the waves softly hit the sand. She had a feeling she had been her before. And in a way she had. She wasn't sure if they were actually dreams or something else. They seemed so real. She felt Luke's arms around her. She leaned back against his chest as he whispered 'I love you.' in her ear. The last conscious thought she had was that. That and the image of the sun sinking in the sea as the waves softly hit the sand. Then there was just darkness.

A phone ringing made Robbie jump up. It was Luke. A completely panicked Luke. Apparently they had gone to the beach and Matilda had passed out. They tried to wake her up but when they didn't succeed they called an ambulance. She was alright, well not alright, but… He didn't finish that sentence. He didn't have to. Robbie knew what he meant. She was still alive. For now. He almost shouts in the phone that he's on his way. Then he hangs up. He grabbed a jacket and ran out. Not noticing that in his haste he ran against the table. There where all their pictures where. And a picture of Matilda was knocked of off it and hit the ground. The glass shattered into a million pieces. But Robbie didn't notice that. He was in to much of a hurry to notice anything.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27 : The beginning of the end

_At first she didn't know if she was awake or sleeping. After all she had been sitting on the beach, watching the ocean. Accept that it had been day, and Luke had been with her. Now it was night and she was all alone. Staring at the ocean. Watching as the waves hit the sand. She felt him before she saw him. Henry was here yet again. But she didn't get up. She was to tired – even in her dreams – to be able to move. She watched as he walked closer and closer until he stopped. Maybe two feet from where she was sitting. Reluctantly she got up and started to walk towards him. She realized she was closer to him then she had been since Henry had died. She stopped right in front of him. Wondering if perhaps this was it…_

Luke was feeling so many things at the same time he wasn't even sure what those feelings were. Which one of them were more pronounced then the others. More important. It didn't really matter. At first there was fear. Of course there was. Then there was sadness. Finally there was also the feeling that maybe this wasn't so bad after all. He didn't want her to die. He wanted her to be with him for the rest of his life. But even he could see she was tired. Tired and in constant pain. And he knew she had no more strength to fight. So maybe it was better for her if it would end sooner rather than later. After all then she could finally rest.

Robbie stared at his little sister. He hadn't really paid that much attention to her. He hadn't wanted to. He had not wanted to see the clear sings. But now that she was lying motionlessly in that hospital bed he had to acknowledge them. She was pale. Paler then she had ever been. And thinner. He had no idea how much weight she had lost but it was clearly visible. And she looked tired. Softly he brushed the hair out of her face. Unshed tears shone in his eyes. He knew they were nearing it. The end. But he wasn't ready yet. If he was honest with himself he knew he would never be ready. But there were some things he still needed to say before she left. He bend forward and placed a soft kiss on her head. Then he whispered _'Please wake up. Don't leave me just yet._' He didn't care if he was begging. He just wanted her to wake up.

_She looked into her brother's eyes. The brother she had missed so much. She wanted to touch him. To take his hand. To talk to him. To reach out and hold him tightly. But something was preventing her from doing so. It was as if there was a line. A clear line drawn in-between her and her brother. And if she crossed it that was it. Her life would be over. Part of her wanted to do it. The other part was screaming of things yet to do. Of the people she loved. As if on cue she heard a voice. Clear as day Robbie's voice broke the silence. 'Please wake up. Don't leave me just yet.' Their eyes meet again and Henry smiles. As if he knows it's not the end yet. He looks at her one last time and then he turns to walk away. She wants to scream after him. Tell him to wait. But it is as if she has lost her voice. She wants to run after him. But she is frozen in this position. She watches as he walks away until he isn't there anymore…._

Matilda hears the voices before she sees the persons. She is waking up. Part of her wishes she could return to the beach. But she knows she can't. So instead she opens up her eyes and looks around. There were several people in the room. Robbie was sitting next to her holding her hand. Her mother and Tony were in the corner talking to a doctor. A nurse was at her other side. Luke wasn't here but that didn't mean anything. He might have gone out to get something to drink. What caught her attention however was the other person in the room. Kit. She had not seen Kit in such a long time. A smile crept on her face and she held out her hand for her. Kit smiled at her and took it. This was perhaps the closest they had been in a long time. They didn't say a word. The silence seemed to be saying so much more.

Beth cleared the room almost immediately when she saw that her daughter was awake. She wanted so badly to tell her that it was okay. That everything was going to be alright. But she knew it was a lie. And she couldn't lie to her daughter. But she need a couple of minutes alone with her daughter. Nobody really protested when she asked them to leave. Robbie was as always the last one to leave the room. She sits down on the bed and hugs her daughter close to her. And she just holds on. For dear life. As if while she's holding her death wouldn't dare to touch her. Neither one knows how long they sat there. It's not like it truly mattered.

It was only hours later that Matilda saw the doctor again. In the meantime she had noticed that it had grown darker again. Night must be approaching. She waited patiently for the doctor to explain. If he had avoided her for this long she knew it could really only mean one thing. As he started explaining to her that she didn't have much time left she never moved. She didn't panic. In fact she didn't feel anything. It's not like she wasn't expecting it. The only time she opened her mouth was to ask how long she had left. He looked taken back for a second until he told her a couple of days. She closed her eyes. She heard him talking but she wasn't really paying that much attention anymore. Until it finally dawned on her what he was saying.

She knew the doctor wanted to help. She really did. But as he was telling her that she could live longer. If she stayed in the hospital, she knew that it wasn't' what she wanted. She knew this was it. This was her end. She had lived her entire life the way she had wanted to live it. She wasn't going to give up now. She wanted to live. And sure living for a couple of more months sounded great even. But lying in a hospital bed unable to move; to do anything was not living. At least not in her mind. She wasn't going to do that. So that's what she told him.

'Look Doc. I know you're trying to help. But it's not what I want.' The doctor started to protest but she quickly cut him of. 'Can you save me? No. Can you make sure I don't die? No. the thing is I've accepted this was going to happen a long time ago. And I decided how I was going to live. And lying in a bed for months was not a part of that. It's not me. If I'm going to die I'm going to do it at home. In my own bed. Surrounded by my family. On my terms. There's nothing you can do for me. So please just let me go home.'

He looked like he wanted to argue but he ended up not doing that. He must have realized that she was right. Still he managed to convince her to stay just one more night. If only because it was so late. Mattie didn't think one more night would truly hurt. And she just wanted to rest. Suddenly she found herself alone again. But not for long. The door opened very slowly to reveal Luke. His eyes were red. His cheeks tear stained. He had obviously been crying. She wanted to say something. Anything but nothing she thought of was good enough. Instead they just stood there. Staring at each other.

Luke wasn't entirely sure when the tears came. All he knows that he was sitting on the floor in a hospital hallway. Head in his arms. He's not sure when he started to cry. He does know when he noticed it. It was the moment everybody started to leave the room and his eyes found his dads. At first he wanted to go in the room but he couldn't get up. It was as if all his strength had finally left him. He took a deep breath willing himself to calm down. When the doctor came later to tell them Matilda would have to stay the night and that she could go home tomorrow his first feeling was relief. This must mean that she was going to be okay for the time being. But his eyes were sad. And even if he didn't come out and say it he knew. She wasn't going to be alright.

He walked into her room hesitantly. Not because he was afraid she didn't want him there. But because he was afraid of what he would find. What he found was the same girl he had held in his arms on the beach. He smiled. He wanted to say something. Anything. But the words wouldn't come to him. He just stood there. He doesn't really know how long he stood there. But eventually he started to move. At firs the wanted to sit down in the chair next to the bed but he changed his mind quickly. Instead he lied down in the bed next to her. He pulled her close to him and just held her. He placed a soft kiss on her hair and then he whispered 'I love you.'

Matilda snuggled close to Luke. Resting her head on his chest. She could feel his arms wrap themselves securely around her. And she felt safe. Loved. And for a moment just a moment all of her strength seemed to return to her. He placed a soft kiss on her hair and whispered 'I love you.' She didn't hesitate to reply. 'I love you to.' No more words were spoken. But it didn't seem to make a difference. She just lied there until eventually she fell asleep. Luke fell asleep shortly after she did.

The doctor tried to convince her to stay one more time the next morning. But she wouldn't hear of it. She was going to go home there where she belonged. She thanked him for everything he had done for her and then she walked away. No turning around. No regrets. She had made her decision and she was going to stick to it. When she died she would do it at home. Which is where she was going now.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28: Message in a bottle

She knew from the moment she left the hospital that there was not much she was going to be able to do. She was to tired to weak to really do anything anymore. But she was determined. There was one more thing she really wanted to do. And she was going to do that. If it took all the strength she had left than so be it. She took a deep breath and sat down in her bed. She would write this letter. It was important. If she was asked why it was important she would not have been able to explain it. She would not have been able to tell what made it so important. But that she couldn't find words to express herself didn't mean that she was wrong.

Jack had known for such a long time. He had seen everything, including the things others wanted to ignore. There was not much time left. And he couldn't bear it. He couldn't bear to watch his brother, his friends crumble down like this. And he just couldn't life them up. There was nothing he could do. And for the first time since he had seen them kissing in that kitchen he finally fully accepted their relationship. Beth would need somebody. His eyes meet his fathers and they both know. They are the outsiders now. But in the end they will be the ones who will hold everybody up. They will hold everything together. Or at leas they will try.

Tony didn't even want to imagine what Beth was feeling. The thought alone of losing his son was bad enough. And he had cause to think that over the years. First those awful teenage years and now he was a cop. Still the thought and actually knowing you were going to lose a child had to be awful. No parent should bury their child. And Beth had already buried one. Now she would be forced to burry another. He simply couldn't understand why this was happening. Then his he thought of his son. He had no idea how Luke was going to get trough this. Nor did he have any idea of how to help him. For the first time he was at a loss to do anything. His eyes met Jacks and he knew that he was just as lost as the rest of them.

Robbie found himself looking at his sister. For the first time in years. It's not that he hadn't seen her. It's just that she had never stuck around long enough for him to look at her. Truly look at her. She looked lost. But then again perhaps they were all lost. But there was a light in her eyes that he was sure off hadn't been there before. At least not since before Henry had died. And it encouraged him. For he was not sure how long he would be able to hold it together. To be the strong one. Perhaps until Matilda died. He didn't really want to think about that be he knew it would happen. But then he would fall apart. The idea of somebody being there to hold them together was appealing. But this was Kit and he knew her. She wasn't strong enough.

Kit hadn't really talked to her brother since that fateful night. He had tried of course. But she hadn't wanted to hear him. She had not wanted to hear anything. She knew she couldn't explain why she had decided to call that morning. Or what made her turn around. It would make her sound crazy. It had been a dream. Just a dream. But Henry had been there. Telling her it wasn't her fault. To go home. And for a second she had sworn she had seen Matilda sitting there. But she had woken up before being sure. She had no idea why but that dream compelled her to call home. And to come when Robbie told her to. Now however she had no idea if she was actually strong enough for this.

Luke looked warily at the girl walking beside him. He had no idea why Matilda wanted to go to the beach. But she had been determined. She would have gone alone to, but he wouldn't let her. Whatever it was it must have been important. Still he was afraid she would tire herself out. But he couldn't say no to her. Would never be able to say no to her. So he took her hand and let her guide him wherever she wanted to go. Soon they found themselves standing on some mountains. Below them he could see the ocean crashing against the rock. 'You're not planning to jump or something are you?' She just looked at him as if he was crazy. At least it was something. That's when he noticed her holding something. How he had not noticed before was beyond him. Comprehension dawned on him as the list suddenly came to mind.

She knew Luke didn't really want her to go to the beach. But she was determined. She was going to go. And if nobody wanted to go with her she would go alone. But she knew that even if he didn't want her to go he would never let her go alone. She looked at the ocean as it crashed against the rock. When Luke started talking about jumping she looked at him as if he had lost his mind. It's not like she was suicidal. Just dying. She took the bottle out of the bag and looked at the ocean yet again. The message in the bottle. Number two on the list. Important. She couldn't explain why. Just that it was. She wanted to throw it in herself but she knew she wouldn't be able to. Instead she looked pleadingly at Luke. He seemed to have understood her meaning immediately for he took the bottle and threw it far away into the ocean. And together they watched as slow but steady the waves moved the bottle and the message in it farther away from them. Until they couldn't see it anymore.

Mattie had never been sure of how to talk to Kit. They had always been so different. Kit was more of a boy. Always hanging out with Scott. Kit had been closer to Henry (which was only natural) and Robbie. And now she found herself again at loss for words. Words of gratitude for coming. Of understanding. But she couldn't say them. It didn't take her a long time to realize she didn't need to. This was all they needed. Sitting on the couch. Holding each other. Watching 'a little princess. It was their favorite movie. One of the only things they had in common.

Kit held Mattie close to her. Mainly because she simply didn't know what to say. She didn't know her little sister was struggling with words as much as she was. Somewhere halfway through the movie a realization struck her. It didn't matter. It didn't matter what had happened in the past. All that mattered was that she was here now. That she could still hug her sister. And together they watch the movie. And when at the ending the believed dead father turned out to be alive they both cried. For that was one miracle that would never happen to them.

And the bottle kept floating in the ocean. And with each second that passed it distant itself more and more from the shore. Floating away from life so to speak. Just like Matilda Hunter was doing.


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29: Goodbye may seem forever

Matilda felt as if she was doing rounds. Everybody she knew seemed to be coming to visit her. As if they knew there was not much time left. Which there wasn't. People from school. Teachers. Friends. She didn't really know what to say. Some of them had never talked to her. Others had never really been that important. Some felt sorry for her. Others couldn't even look her in the eye. Still somehow it was comforting. At least now she would be sure there was nobody she was forgetting. Nobody she wouldn't say goodbye to.

Cassie was one of the first to come by. And she stuck around for the entire day. Talking to Cassie had always been easy. Like breathing air. But for the first time it was actually difficult to talk to her. Difficult because they both knew what was coming next. And neither knew how to express how much the other one mean to them. Still it wasn't really necessary. Her being there was more than enough. They ended up talking about silly stuff like they always did. And remembering better times. Time seemed to almost stand still while they were talking. And for a while, just a while it seemed as if everything was as it was before.

Matilda will never be sure who she talked to next. It could have been anyone. The next person she remembers however is Mr. Stewart. It's a weird image to see him standing in her bedroom. He searches for the right words to say to her; but there are no right things to say. She wishes there was something she could say to him. But she can also never find the words. Eventually he leaves. Only at the end, while he's already leaving, does she finally speak. And all she asks was of him to take care of Cassie and Ric. She knows there was no need for her to ask. She does it anyway.

Then came Jack. And the realization. She had known Luke for months. She had spend so much time with him. Even with Tony. But she had never even talked to Jack. She knew nothing of him. She knew he was Luke's older brother and that he loved him. She knew he was Robbie's new best friend. She knew he was dating Martha. She knew he was a cop. And that was all. She knew nothing of him. And now it was to late. But as she looked him in the eyes she realized she knew the most important things. He loved Luke and he would take care of him. And he would allow Robbie to lean on him. And in the end that was all she really needed to know about him.

She never really talked to Tony. Never said goodbye. She supposed she didn't need to. Her mother had not told her about her and Tony. But Matilda knew. Matilda knew because her mom was happier. Especially when Tony was close to her. She could have been jealous. Or angry. She could have thought of dad and screamed. She did none of those things. If she had been healthy, if things had been normal she might have. But things were not. And her mom would need someone. So Mattie smiled as she watched them. And she knew that at least with Tony by her side her mom wouldn't be alone in the end.

Martha was in a way the easiest to talk to. She and Martha had been friends. But not very good friends. Just simple friends. She was Tasha and Robbie's best friend. It was the only reason they actually knew each other. But Martha had always been nice. Important. Tasha was in a way different. She had gone to school with Tasha. Tash was Robbie's girlfriend. She had known her longer. And she and Tasha had always been close. And Robbie found in her an equal. Somebody to love. Somebody that loved him. Somebody he would be able to lean on.

But trough it all Luke never really left. He was always there. Sometimes sitting in the chair next to the bed. Sometimes he held her close. Sometimes he stood in the doorway. Sometimes he was just outside the room. But he never really left. He was always close. He held her close to him. Words were never truly spoken between them. Perhaps they were to afraid to say the words they wanted to. Perhaps they knew those words weren't necessary. Or maybe they were just afraid that if they would say it out loud it would become to real. The silence wasn't uncomfortable however. It was filled with the words they didn't say. Words they didn't have to say. Because the other one already knew. And they could say I love you a thousand times. And I'll never forget you. And I'll always be there. But they were just words. Luke held her close to him. And never truly left her side. And in his actions those words were spoken a thousand times clearer.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30 : Farwell is like the end

The last conversation with Scott was the hardest. Perhaps it was because they couldn't see each other. They couldn't hold nor comfort each other. All they could do was talk over the phone. It was the last thing they had left. Neither one really knew what to say. They had known on the airport back in France that this day would come. That those seconds when their eyes met; just before she walked away ; would be the last time they saw each other. Still it was one thing to know another to actually be confronted with it. Still they managed to have a conversation. And say goodbye. Matilda didn't cry when she talked to him. She didn't cry when she hung up either. She wanted to cry. She felt like she should. But she didn't. Perhaps she simply had no more tears left.

The conversation with Kit was long due. It was a conversation Mattie wished she had had many years ago. When Henry died. Still she knew that she had to talk to her. Trying to tell her that everything would be alright. She had to talk to her to tell her she was forgiven. Matilda didn't necessarily think she needed to forgive Kit. There was nothing to forgive her for. It had been an accident. There was nothing to forgive. She said it anyway. She said it because she knew Kit needed to hear it. And she didn't want to die with Kit thinking she had never been forgiven. Even if there was nothing to forgive.

Mattie wished she could postpone talking to her mother. She was scared of that conversation. She was afraid that then the tears would come. But she knew she had to talk to her mom. She just wasn't really sure what to say or to do. She knew that the others were still here. Luke and Cassie and Ric. But now she needed to talk to her mom. In the end she should not have worried. Her mom knew exactly what to say or do. And in the end she did to. The words 'Don't worry mom. I'll always be close to you.' seemed like the best thing to say at that moment.

And trough it all in the background was Luke. He was always there. Always by her side. Ready to hold her. Talk to her about silly things. Simply be there when she needed him the most. She knew this was it. She knew she should say goodbye to him. Say the things she always wanted to say. Tell him not to mourn her forever. To move on eventually. Find love again. He would have that change. But she could not do it. Instead she found comfort in the silence. As he held her in his arms.

Robbie was the easiest to talk to. Perhaps this was because he kept a smile on his face the entire time. Cracked jokes, fell off the bed. In other words he acted just as he had always acted. She didn't know if it was in fact an act or if he was trying not to think of what was to come. It's not like it truly mattered. But eventually even his jokes and laughter died out. And they got serious. They knew this wouldn't be the last time they talked or saw each other. But they would never say goodbye. This was their moment, their time. In the end Matilda only wanted one thing. She wanted him to promise her that he would go to Paris next year and go to the top of the Eiffel tower. And look at the world below. Just like she had done a couple of moths ago. It's all she wanted of him. That and that he would never stop laughing. He promise the first thing but said nothing about the second. It was a promise he would not be able to keep. At least not for a long time.

**********

In the end Cassie Turned was the last one to leave the room that day. You would think it would be Luke. That he would have stuck around till the end. But he didn't. Nobody was really sure why. Perhaps he was tired. Perhaps he just had to get out for a while. Maybe he had lost some of his strength. Or maybe it was just because he knew that if he stuck around longer eventually the ending would come. They would have to find the words to say goodbye. And he didn't want that. He wanted to remember it just like it was now. Comfortable. In the end it doesn't matter why he left earlier. It was Cassie who was last to leave. In a way it was as if they had come full circle. It was Cassie who had first seen Matilda on her first day in Summer Bay. And now it was Cassie who (out of her friends) would be the last to walk out.

Cassie had come back in to talk to Mattie for a while. But it was getting late and she should go. She got up and started to leave but lingered in the doorway. She turned around once more to see her best friend. She didn't look like the Matilda Cassie had known for years. She looked smaller. Paler. Sick. For the first time she looked truly sick. But then she smiled. And her entire face lit up and for a moment she looked just like the Matilda Cassie had always known. And Cassie wanted to say something. Something meaningful. Something that would make this moment special. Important. But she could think of nothing. Mattie seemed to be deep in thought as well. Looking for the right thing to say to her best friend. In the end it was Cassie who said it.

'You know you're my best friend right? The best friend I've ever had?' 'Yeah.' 'And you always will be. No matter what happens in the future nobody will ever take your place. I'll always love you. And I'll never forget you.' Silence followed. Eventually Mattie talked as well. 'You're my best friend as well. I wish I didn't have to go. But promise me. Promise me you'll never forget about me.' 'I could never.' Neither one truly knew how to continue. Eventually Cassie walked to Mattie and hugged her. Neither one let the other go for a long time. Then Cassie turned around to walk away yet again.

She turned around one last time. Mattie smiled at her. Cassie turned around and walked away with tears in her eyes.

_It would be the last time she saw her best friend smile. _

***********

They could not explain why. But that night the entire family found itself in Mattie's room. Something was compelling them to be there. As if somehow they knew that this was the last night they had. That there was no more time. Robbie had crawled in the bed and was now holding Mattie close to him. He could remember doing this a long time ago. That was a happier time. But it was a long forgotten memory. All they had was the here and now. Robbie held back the tears as he held his little sister in his arms. His strength gone. His laughter died down. He felt weak and tired. But he didn't let it show. Mattie would not have to know what would happen to him when she was no longer around.

Kit sat in a chair not far from the bed. At first she had wanted to crawl in it to (even if it was a small bed) and hold her little sister. But she couldn't. That was Robbie's job. Robbie's right. He had been here the entire time. He had been strong and had stayed by her side no matter what. And even if she knew that Mattie wouldn't mind it. She would. It didn't matter anyway. The bed wasn't big enough for three persons. It could hardly hold two. She just sat there watching over them. Like an older sister should always do.

Beth positioned herself next to the bed. She didn't care if it wasn't a natural or comfortable position. She just wanted to be close to her daughter. She took her hand in hers and didn't say another word. And together they sat there. As if they knew these were there last moment. As if they knew what was to come. As if they knew this was the end. One by one they fell asleep. Kit was first. Beth followed not soon thereafter. Robbie was the one who stayed awake the longest. Having stayed with Matilda before. Watching over her. But eventually he to fell asleep. Mattie was the last one awake. Mainly because she knew somewhere deep down inside that if she fell asleep that would be it.

********

_The beach was quiet. Calmer somehow. Something was different though. The light. She looked to the ocean. And watched the sunset. She was calm. She felt him before she saw him. Henry. He was waling towards her and smiling. And she knew. She knew it from the second she had found herself on the beach yet again but now she was sure. This was it. Slowly she started to walk towards him. In previous dreams her legs would never respond. Now they finally do. But she's not sure she wants them do. Part of her wants to return. But something tells her that is not possible. They came to a stop in front of each other. Just like in her last dream. The line was still clearly drawn between them. But this time she did not hesitate. Seeing him had brought her strength. And acceptance. For a brief instant she wondered who had been there for her brother. But it did not matter. She could ask him later. She crossed the line without looking back and hugged her brother close to her. The words I missed you and I love you were whispered. Henry let go of her and smiled sadly. 'It's time.' Mattie wondered for one second if she could still go back. But she knew it deep down inside she had known it all day. 'I know.' He held out his hand and she took it. Together they began to walk…_

*********

And down on earth, in the arms of her brother Mattie smiled. And so it was that one night Matilda Hunter fell asleep and never truly woke up again.

_And somewhere far away Matilda and Henry walked into the ocean. Without fear. Together they walked into the sunset. And eventually they rose up in the sky. And the flew. They flew higher then anything had ever flown before. And down on the beach they left all of Mattie's pain behind. Mattie finally felt free. At peace. _


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31: Tears in heaven

It was the sunlight (shining trough the window) which first woke up Robbie. He was the first one awake that morning. Actually, in the house next door, Luke was awake as well. But since he had never really gone to sleep he wasn't the first to wake up. It's not like it truly mattered. Robbie was the first to wake up. And he knew. He had known since the night before, but when he saw the lifeless form of his little sister he knew for sure. His heart stopped. And for a second, just a second, he was frozen in place. His little sister in his arms. Not breathing. Not living. Gone forever.

Robbie didn't move, didn't breathe. Until eventually he shook her just a little. He did not want to accept that his little sister was gone. So he shook her in an attempt to wake her up. But she did not wake up. She could not wake up. Never again would she open her eyes. Never would she laugh at his silly jokes. Never would he be able to tell her he loved her. When the realization that she was truly gone finally sunk it, he screamed. It was as if all the feelings he had held inside for years were coming out now. He took her and hugged her close to him. And he cried. All of the strength he had had for years was gone. All the fight disappeared from within him. Nothing left of the strong Robbie on which Matilda had leaned for years. Now Matilda was gone and Robbie…well Robbie was losing.

Beth woke up at the sound of her son screaming. And she knew. The only reason why Robbie would scream so broken, so defeated, was if her little girl was gone. Opening her eyes she was met with the most heartbreaking scene. Robbie was holding Matilda tight rocking back and ford. Crying. Lost to the world. And she knew she should try to comfort her son. Try to be there for him. But she could not. The sight of her dead little girl was enough to break her as well. She buried her head in her arms and cried.

Robbie's breaking down seemed to have the opposite effect on Kit. The sight of her strong brother losing his strength seemed to give her more. While Robbie cried and held her close, she felt calmer. As if now that she knew her brother couldn't hold the family together she had to do it. So she got up and went to the phone. She seemed to be working on auto pilot. But she knew exactly what she had to do. She had to call Scott. And she had to call the Holden's. And once she was doing that she could break down as well.

Scott knew. He knew it the second the phone rang. When he heard Kit's voice at the other side of the line he knew what was to come. Still he had to hear her say it. If she wouldn't say it out loud he would always doubt it. He had to hear it. He heard her tell him that his little sister was gone. And that's the last thing he truly heard. He's sure she said other things as well, but he didn't hear them. Eventually he the phone fell out of his hand and dropped on the ground. He fell on his knees beside it. He felt as if everything hurt. He could barely breath. And trough it all all he really heard was Kit's voice saying Matilda was gone.

********

Luke had never managed to fall asleep. He'd been staring at his ceiling for hours. Simply thinking. He couldn't wrap his mind around what was happening. He was sure he would love Matilda forever. And it just didn't seem fair to him that he would lose her. But there was nothing that could be done, and he knew he had to accept it. But he couldn't. The phone ringing caused him to jump up. The clock told him it was still early. He heard his father getting up and talking on the phone.

The ringing of the phone woke up Tony. He sat up without truly looking at the clock and went to pick up. It was Kit. He had never talked to Kit. He didn't know her that well. But as soon as he heard the sound of her voice he knew. It was all over. He told her they'd be right there and hung up. But he had no idea what to do next. How was he supposed to tell his son that his girlfriend was dead? He couldn't do it. But he had to.

That was how Jack found him. Leaning against the wall. His head in his hands. Crying. He'd never seen his father cry. Not even when his mother died. He's sure he had cried however. He had just done it in the privacy of his own room. There where his children would never see it. He was sure of it. But he had never seen his father cry. And he knew. If he was crying it was because of Matilda. He froze in place and when his father met his eyes, he was completely sure. Without a word he turned around and went to Luke's room. He would be the strong one. He would be the on to break his little brother's heart. He knew his father would come in right behind him. But he was the big brother, there to protect his little brother. Or if he could not protect him simply hold him.

*********

Robbie wouldn't let go of her. He didn't let go when Kit told him to. Or when his mother practically pleaded him to. He didn't let go of her when he heard the Holden's arrive. He however did let her go when the ambulance arrived. But only because he had to. He watched as they covered her with a white blanket and carried her out. But he didn't move off the bed. He had no strength left. No will to live. Nothing. He couldn't get up on his legs, because he was sure they wouldn't be able to carry him. He sat there in the bed where he had last held his sister, without moving. Practically without breathing.

It's there that Jack found him. He saw Kit and Beth sitting on the couch. Holding each other. He had seen Luke sink down on the ground when he saw her being carried out. Tony held him close to him. As if he could somehow take the pain away. But Robbie wasn't there. He somehow found his way to Matilda's room. And there he was. Sitting on the bed. If he hadn't been breathing Jack might have mistaken him for some kind of statue. He walked to him and sat down next to him. Robbie didn't seem to realize at first that somebody was there.

Robbie hadn't heard Jack walk in. Nor had he heard him come to sit next to him. He only realized somebody was there when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He knew it was Jack even before he turned around. He started to cry yet again. Robbie lied his head on Jack's shoulder and cried. He didn't care he was probably ruining Jack's shirt. He felt Jack's strong arms around him and hold him close to him. And he knew Jack didn't care either. He knew things needed to be done. People needed to be called. But for the time being he just cried. Because there was nothing else he could do.

*****

Luke's not sure how long they sat there. All he knew is that it was a while. Eventually however all their tears dried down. He found himself in Mattie's room. Sitting on the chair (where Kit had spend the previous night) He was lost. He didn't know what to do. He felt so alone. His eyes wondered around her room and rested on a book. Inside of it was a piece of paper. He picked it up and stared at the paper. At first he didn't know if he should really read it. But it's not like Mattie was there anymore. The title called his attention immediately.

_Before I die…  
_

So this was it. The infamous list. His eyes wondered over it. Some things were crossed out. Those were the things she managed to do. His heart broke as he realized how little she had actually managed to do. Tears shone in his eyes yet again. He stopped at number one. She had never wanted to tell him. Now it was here in his hands. _1. Experience a miracle _He smiled sadly. A miracle. She had never experienced one. He wasn't really sure what she had meant by that. And now he could never ask her.

He heard his dad call out to him. He knew they had to go. He folded up the paper and put it in his pocket. It's not like anybody would truly miss it. He walked out of the room without turning around.


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32: Sand and water

If they think about this time, years later, not that they truly will try, they will realize they don't remember much. Fragments. Bits and pieces. A conversation here an there. But not real memories. In a way this was the best thing that could have happened. They didn't want to remember that time. They wanted to forget it. The only real memory they have of that time is the funeral. And they whished they could forget it. But they can not.

_All alone I didn't like the feeling_

_All alone I sat and cried_

_All alone I had to find some meaning_

_In the center of the pain I felt inside_

Robbie stared at the spot where his little sister had disappeared into the ground. He just stood there. He didn't cry, he had no more tears left. He didn't move, he was sure he would fall if he tried. He just stood there. Different thoughts kept going trough his mind. And he wondered. If you had a sister, and she died. Did that mean you stopped having one? In a couple of years when people asked him how many siblings he had, what would he answer. Would he say two, for the living ones. Were Henry and Mattie still his siblings. Or were they just gone? Disappeared in time as if they had never existed at all. Was he still the big brother? Or was he the little brother now. The youngest of the Hunter siblings.

_All alone I came into this world_

_All alone I will someday die_

_Solid stone is just sand and water, baby_

_Sand and water, and a million years gone by_

Luke was sure he'd never be able to feel again. He felt that his heart had shattered in a million pieces and he was sure he'd never be able to put it together again. She was gone. Truly gone now. She had disappeared in a hole. Gone forever. But she had been gone before that. Not for the first time did he wonder what happened when you died. Did you just disappear? Was there such a thing as heaven? Because if there was then he was sure that that was were she was. Together with her brother. And he was here on earth. All alone. He knew the list was still in his pocket. _Before I die…_

_I will see you in the light of a thousand suns_

_I will hear you in the sound of the waves_

_I will know you when I come, as we all will come_

_Through the doors beyond the grave_

Robbie felt Tasha's hands around him. And he knew she'd always be there. But it didn't make anything better. It didn't make the pain go away. He stared at the pile of sand that covered the casket. Tears shone in his eyes yet again, but he did not cry. Crying would not make anything better. It would not bring his little sister back. Or make anything at all better. It wouldn't make him feel any better either.

Luke knew his brother was standing next to him. Just like he knew he would never leave. And still he felt so alone. He could not stop thinking of Matilda. They did not get a lot of time. And yet he would not give it up for the world. He looked in the far distance, without truly noticing anything, when he suddenly swore he saw her standing there. Smiling. He closed his eyes and opened them again. And she was gone. And he was sure he had imagined it. And as he stared at her grave yet again he found himself remembering the last thing she had truly said to him.

'_Promise me you'll never forget me. Because if I thought you would, I'd never leave.'_

And he wished he hadn't promised. Then maybe she would still be here. And he knows it's stupid and illogical but he can't stop thinking it. As he looks up again he realizes almost everybody has left. It's just him, Jack, Robbie and Tasha. He turns around and walks away. Unable to stand there any longer.

_All alone I cam into this world_

_All alone I will someday die_

_Solid stone is just sand and water, baby_

_Sand and water and a million years gone by_

Robbie remained there for a longer time. He has no idea how long he and Tash stood there. Neither one ever said a word. Robbie kept staring at the grave. Aware that in a couple of days a stone would stand there. With her name on it. _A name. In the end it's all that is truly left of a human life. _A birth date and the date she died. A date that came far to soon.

And trough it all it never stopped raining.


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33: the final miracle

Tasha wished she could do something to help Robbie. A year had passed since Matilda had died and yet they all still had trouble accepting it. She did not think this was weird. She knew she still had trouble wrapping her mind around it. But Robbie was just lost. Gone. He didn't laugh. He didn't invent things. He didn't try things out. He didn't live anymore. And there was nothing she could truly do. She stayed by his side. And held him close. But with every day that passed she was sure she was losing him a little bit more.

Robbie tried to move on. He really did. But he could not do it. He couldn't live while his little sister was gone. It was ironic that he had once thought that Kit was the weak one. That if Mattie would die it would be Kit who would disappear in time. He had been wrong. Kit was the strong one. He had used up all his strength during her illness. And now that she was gone he couldn't go on. He knew Tasha was trying to help. But there was truly nothing she could do. Nothing that anybody could do.

A year had passed since he had promised her he would go to France. And here he was yet again. Standing on top of the Eiffel tower. Staring at the world below. He was standing in the same spot Matilda had stood last year, but he did not know this. Nor did he know that the bird that landed next to him was in fact the same bird which Matilda had been watching that time as well. All he knew was that he could look down at the people below. And see them living there lives. And for the first time since she had died he felt calm. At peace. It still hurt but he didn't feel it so much. Maybe it was just his imagination.

Tasha stood next to Robbie. She knew that there was nothing she could do. Nothing but stay by his side. A couple of months ago he had told her he would probably never be the same again. And that she should just walk away. She told him she was sticking to him. She loved him and no matter what happened she would never leave him. And she planned on keeping that promise. Even if he never smiled again, she would still be by his side. She lied her head on his shoulder. And simply stared at the world below her.

Robbie was instead looking at the bird. He watched as it flew away from him. Just like Matilda had done. And that's when it hit him. He could cry because she was gone. He could pray she would come back. Or he could remember how she had been. He could remember all the things they did together. He could remember that she was gone, or he could choose to remember everything else. He could close himself away from the world. Feel empty and alone. Or he could do what he knew she'd want him to do. He could smile, live, love and go on.

***************

Luke walked on the beach. He remembered somebody telling him that in time it would get better. That time heals all wounds. If only it were truth. Time made it worse. It made him realize that she would never come back. That it was all real and not a nightmare. That he would be alone forever. Because he was sure he'd never be able to forget her. He'd never be able to love again. No matter what anybody else said. No matter what Matilda had told him. He'd never be able to move on.

He spend most of his time on the beach. Here he felt calm. At peace. Here it sometimes almost seemed as if Matilda would show up at anytime. Even though he knew she never would. Today was no different from other days. He kept on walking and walking. Not truly paying attention to where he was going. Or what he was doing. It was sad to think that Matilda had gone trough her entire life. Lived, loved, cried and laughed. And in a couple of years nobody would even know who she was. She had reached the top and in the end the only thing that was left were the memories of the persons who had cared about her. Who had loved her.

He was walking on the beach deep in thought; when something caught his eye. He didn't know what it was; but since he had nothing else to do; he decided to go see what was buried in the sand. It turned out to be a bottle. With a message inside of it. For a second he remembered the moment where he and Mattie had thrown the bottle in the ocean last year. But he quickly dismissed the idea. It was not possible that this was the same bottle. Now that would truly be a miracle.

His first instinct was to keep walking. Ignore the bottle lying there in the sand. Just walk away. But he remembered how important that message had been to Matilda. He had never truly understood why, but it had been important to her. And he was sure that to whoever had thrown this bottle in the ocean it was equally as important. Knowing it was what Matilda would have wanted him to do he picked it up. Soon he found himself sitting down on the sand, taking the letter out and opening it. What he found was the one thing he had never expected.

_Dear Reader,_

_Whoever you are. You probably don't know me. Nor will you ever know me. I don't know who you are or where you come from. I know nothing about your life. And you know nothing about mine. This one letter (the message in a bottle) is the only time our lives will ever cross. By the time you read this I will be dead. I've known this day would come for along time, but that does not mean it saddens me less. Nor that it hurts less. I'm not writing this letter to sadden whoever reads this. Or for somebody to feel sorry for a person that they have never met. I'm not looking for your pity. I'm writing this letter to have prove. To prove to the world that I was here. I lived. I loved. I was here. And even when I am not I will forever be remembered. Of course it is possible that this letter will be lost. Or that whomever reads this could care less. I don't have many requests anymore. I know none of them will come true. I just hope that whoever you are you will find it in your heart to throw this message back into the sea. So that it can go on and on an on. And her is the best advice I could ever give you. The advice of a dying girl. Live your life at it's fullest. Do everything you want to do today. Never think I'll do it tomorrow. Because you'll never know when tomorrow won't be there anymore. Live. Love everybody with all your heart. Don't be afraid to do anything. And most of all never regret anything. Because at some point in your life it was everything you ever wanted. I hope that some day my family and friends will find it in their hearts to move on and live as well. And I hope that nobody will ever forget that I existed. That at some point I lived in this world. And I was happy. _

_Love all the way from Summer Bay_

_Matilda Hunter, 16._

The first time he read it all he saw was the name. The meaning of the letter didn't sink in. Nor did it the second time he read it. He just kept staring at the handwriting. This was the last thing he was expecting. He had never expected to see this letter. He was sure this letter would never arrive here. It had been a year since she threw it in the ocean. This was a miracle. The list suddenly came to mind. Looks like the miracle arrived after all. Maybe just a little to late.

It took several readings before the true meaning of the letter finally sunk in. She wanted them to live. True she probably never thought he'd read this. But still the meaning still stood. She wanted them, him, to move on. To live. That's what she wanted. And he knew she was right. He had to live. He was young and he had his entire live before him. He wouldn't forget her, never. Nor would he ever stop missing her or loving her. But he had to live. He had to move on. He had to.

He suddenly remembered the list. The one that he carried around everywhere. He hadn't looked at it since he took it out of the book. But now he remembered it. Matilda had had so many dreams. But she had not been able to do most of them. But he could. He could do the things she had never gotten around to. For her. It would give him a reason to go on. At least for a while. He didn't know how long it would take too complete the list. But he would do it. If only to have a reason to live.

He took out the list and crossed out the first one. Experience a miracle. He folded up both papers and put them in his pocket. He would carry them around everywhere. He sat there for a long time simply staring at the ocean. Eventually he got up and started to walk away. He would move on. He would not forget her, never. But he would live. He would complete the list for her. But he would never change to title. Forever it would be called _Before I die…_

And he didn't know how long it would take. Nor how long he would live. He didn't know what the future would bring. Nor what his life would be like. But he did know this, one day he and Matilda would be together again. One day.

And somewhere high up in the sky, with her brother next to her, Matilda looked down on earth.

_And she smiled. _

**The end**


End file.
